UnNews:Immigration Officers Raid US Senate; Legislative Branch Denies Wrongdoing
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Immigration Officers Raid US Senate; Legislative Branch Denies Wrongdoing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 9, 2016, 23:05:UTC)(
16 June 2007
'This is a great victory for unemployed American Senators,' said U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services Agent Jack Lippman, 'Most Mexican Senators enter this country legally, but some slip across the border and serve in the Senate for half the pay of a US Citizen.'
The leader of the Senate, Vice President Dick Cheney was questioned at a press conference on the number of illegal employees, but denied any wrongdoing on the Sentate's part.
'I'm just the manager here,' he said, 'I don't do the hiring. We outsourced that function to the states, hundreds of years back. If you want to know who's been cutting corners by hiring cheap, illegal immigrant labour to do their legislating, look at them.'
Asked which states in particular were to blame, Cheney refused to comment. 'This matter is still under investigation, and it's really not for me to say. *cough!* *coughwisconsin!*
At least one state Governor was unapologetic in his role in the affair; he spoke to UnNews on condition of Anonymity.
'Ja, ve hired som Mexicaners as Senators, und ve vuld do it again. Mexican Senators vork harder zen most of you filthy Amerikaner Untermenschen, and zey do it for less money. Amerika ist der land of immigrants! Better, ed ist zer land of underpayed, overworked immigrants!
'Take my vord about our future Senators - zey'll be vetback.'
President George Bush was also quick to defend the Senate. 'The high wages of Legislators in industrialised first world is causing terrible damage to the business community. The more Senators are paid, the higher the cost of bribing them. How can we expect our shoddy, corrupt business community to prosper without a bribe-able Senate to deliver corporate welfare?'
Mr. Bush will remain in charge of the Executive Branch until his functions are outsourced to Indian President Dr. A. P. J. Abdul Kalam at the beginning of the next financial year.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|