UnNews:Immigration Deportation Law Enacted; Thousands of Jobs Opened
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Immigration Deportation Law Enacted; Thousands of Jobs Opened
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 28, 2016, 22:43:UTC)(
29 April 2006
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Washington DC - Congress has allowed the Illegal Immigration Deportation Law to be enacted, deporting thousands from the U.S. In doing so, thousands of jobs have now been opened to the public, much to the joy of President George W. Bush and his administration. "We are proud of our great accomplishment," Bush reportedly announced. "The many that have illegally lived in this great nation have soiled it by taking away our unwanted jobs and allowing us to rip them off by paying them stupidly small amounts."
Droves of illegal immigrants have been driven into the Pacific and Atlantic with long spear-like objects, and also south across into Mexico. Deportation into correct home countries was ignored.
Several citizens interviewed were happy about this change. "I'm very pleased with this law," one interviewed stated. "I am now able to go into the once extremely competitive field of dunking french fries into grease at fast-food restaurants very easily. Some want to become lawyers or psychiatrists, but that's not for me. I'm happy to be an American citizen working at the bottom class of society, gaining no respect and little pay despite being the backbone of our economy. This has been my life-long dream. I am so grateful that the immigrants stealing jobs that no American wants but feels that they should have open to them anyway like janitor, servant, gardener, and construction worker are now out of the country, and that I am finally free to take these wonderful positions."
Consequently, the economy, despite assurances from the Bush Administration, has completely collapsed onto itself in a matter of days. "There is no possibility that this ever could've been foreseen," Bush comments. "Wow, we are retards," some of Congress adds later upon interview. Several fast food chains and Wal-mart have already closed down due to an insufficient work force. "We just can't keep up with the orders," a McDonald's supervisor says. "Americans are just lazy, fat, soft asses who don't work."
However, Fred G. Yugartson, a economy analyst, has researched the subject and announced that the public should not fear. "According to our research," he reports, "Our economy in its current state will throw us into poverty, degrading our education among other government services. Our future generations will then become stupid hicks, while the higher class intellectuals of our age will die out, unable to function without lower employees. Our dumber future generations will then be forced to take the jobs once done by illegal immigrants, and we will eventually support ourselves, like any other poverty stricken country." Several other prominent economical analyzers agree with Yugartson's estimate.
However, this resultant action has raised concern with the World Banks, who are worried that this new move may further degrade the US Government's ability to pay off its national debt, sending the yield curve into further inversion - with two year bonds yielding as much as 20% in their current state.