UnNews:Image of Christ found on a cow pat
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
25 July 2006
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SPEEN, ENGLAND - For the first time since a local resident mistook Franklin Roosevelt's flying tricycle for a green and orange polka dot pidgeon with bowel cancer and shot it down, the sleepy Buckinghamshire village of Speen is the centre of the world's attention.
In the North Field of Inceste Farm, farmer Giles Dadshag claims he saw the image of god's son in a cow pat that had come out of a cow called Sexy Niece.
In a contrived rustic accent he explained, "It woz a broit surny doi an' oi saw Sexy Niece shat on da grarn agen. Oi dunno quoit woi oi bent meself darn an' 'ad a lurk, mebby twaz de sweet aroma wot Sexy Niece shit smell loik. Ennywois, I denn sorr the foys of Jeebus farkin' Croist! Y'knar de wun from dahrt buk I carnt read. 'E woz just loik 'e woz in 'is larst film I sor darn a' Long Crendon larst week, wots it called? Yeh, Emmerdale. 'E worz playin' dat Zak Dingle nurtcase."
Local priest Seamus O'Kiddifiddle said, "These fucking big-eared boys have been on the wacky turnips again haven't they! Christ, I've never forgiven the Cardinal for putting a million miles into Banjo Country for fucks sake. And everyone knows God, Jesus, and this whole religious bollocks is a conspiracy to suppress the masses, so the chances of him appearing in a dollop of cow shit is about as great as me becoming Pope after this interview.", whilst tossing aside his mitre, sceptre and dog collar.
When confronted with the story the Pope told the amassed crowd of believes holding placards like Jesus lives... on a shit, he said, "For fucks sake! Another Jesus apparition? Earlier this week in Orpington there was a Cola Can that, when it had been crushed, had the image of the most Holy Saviour on it and in La Paz there was a story that Jesus had appeared on not only the scrotum of a new born baby but also on the placenta."
In Nigeria professional evangelical christian nutcase Kingston Mbangamumma ordered his followers to search for the truth of Christ's existence in all faecal matter they came across. "The events of today show that glory of god can only be found by getting down on your knees looking at shits with a magnifying glass, bowing down to the Glory of God's creations. Glory, Alleluia!" This was followed by choruses of "Find that shit, oooh yeh, Find Jesus in all of God's shits!"
Another Speen resident Ezekiel Sisterporker, "I don't see what the fuss is all about really, everyone sees things in cow shit all the time round here. Last week I saw the image of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons on stinker done by my beautiful Jersey cow Stunning Half-Cousin over in Moses' field o'er there on Oedipus Lane."
It was by this stage that your intrepid reporter really did notice that these boys really did have big ears and funny noses. It was time to flee the scene and make sure I wasn't going to end up father to some hideous creature nine months later.