FANDOM


If you meet an oligarch on the road

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

UnNews Logo Potato
Thursday, September 20, 2018, 21:45:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

26 Aug 2018

Putin motorcycle

President Putin notes, "Unlike you guys in America, we Russians don't discriminate against any people or species here, even if you are a smelly trumpet-playing bear that only knows one song and tips lousy besides."

VOLVOGRAD, Russia -- Despite efforts to introduce Uber and Lyft to Russia in order to service new Trump hotels being built in the Crimea and the Donetsk Republic, Russia has instead created its own all-motorcycle ride-sharing system called UltPЯ (Ool-trya).

"If other countries can have a taxi business that follows no taxi rules nor is required to obey traffic laws, Russia is able to easily create one that is cheaper, faster and more exciting," pointed out President Vladimir Putin. "I was not initially aware that a taxi service that is above the law is what is meant by 'ride-sharing'. Plus the gig economy system is ideal for those Russians who want a few extras in life, like toilet paper." He points out that the Russian system needs no advertising as so many UltPЯ vehicles are seen flying though the air on Russian dashcam compilations.

As the government pretty much runs on it own and most government critics have died of jealousy, Putin has plenty of free time. So he has decided to support and promote UltPЯ service by working for the company, riding his own motorcycle. While local service is handled by circus bears and biker gangs looking to pick up a few extra rubles, Putin handles almost all long distance trips. He can be seen riding any of a number of motorcycles from his own collection of over 9,000 spread out over his estimated 1500 estates located all over Russia.

Putin donates his tips to the Orthodox church and the Oligarch's Retirement Fund though he is often reported to not charge widows and orphans a single ruble. Rumors have circulated saying that the Sun is always shining wherever Putin is riding, although riding around the Arctic Circle regions in 6-month-long daylight could explain that. He has set speed records around the country, once traveling from Kiev to Almaty City nonstop in 10 hours 35.24 minutes, a distance of 3560 km (2211 mi). "It could have been better, but I slowed down toward the end as I thought I was running out petrol, but it turned out to be just a sticky gauge. It was rather boring, though, as my passenger fainted sometime during the first ten minutes of the trip and there was nobody useful to talk to."

Motorcycle stunt

Too many passengers is never a problem with UltPЯ.

Like the typical male driver, Putin never consults a map or GPS. Unlike the typical male, he has never gotten lost. He is always cheerful and engages in conversations with passengers readily. The portable waterboard and sodium pentothal he travels with gets even the most taciturn rider to open up. He is ever alert on every trip and has even put out a forest fire personally, slyly admitting he was lucky to have "had too much to drink at an earlier water stop." He has also stopped an earthquake or two in his travels.

UnNews Logo Potato
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.

The president has no fear of entering questionable areas like Chechnya. Critics point out that since his path is known before the trip is made, helicopter gunships just napalm everything in his way. This is apparently confirmed by Putin's reports of seeing "stretches of boring blackened scenery as if from a forest fire". On trips to Siberia, polar bears leave him alone as his bear wrestling skills are well known to them. In fact there is so much respect for him that polar bears will stand by the side of the road as he passes, saluting him with a bottle of Pepsi. Trips to the brand-new Donetsk Republic are always greeted by fireworks provided by Ukraine from the other side of the disputed border. "Those guys really know how to put on a good show," said Putin.

Despite ever-increasing sanctions by the West, things are looking sunny and bright for UltPЯ. A proud Putin remarked, "If there's one thing we'll never run out of in Russia, it's motorcycle-riding bears."

Sources Edit