UnNews:Icke, LaRouche: Diana killed in "vast conspiracy"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
14 December 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
THE REPTILE HOUSE, London, Thursday (UNN) -- The official rejection of conspiracy and murder allegations in connection with the death of Princess Diana almost ten years ago is unlikely to silence speculation about her tragic death, British analysts said Thursday. Lord Stevens, the former head of Scotland Yard who led the three-year inquiry, Allegations of Conspiracy to murder Princess Diana, said his team had found that there was "no conspiracy and no cover-up" in the death of Diana and her lover, Dodi al Fayed.
David Icke and Lyndon LaRouche have insisted that Diana and Dodi were murdered on the orders of a giant lizard from the Royal Family because she was allegedly planning to dilute her lizard blood with that of an Egyptian human Muslim. LaRouche has posited axiomatically non-linear human cognition in the science of physical economy and three-body motion of fast cars driven by drunk stupid rich people not wearing their seatbelts while being chased by packs of paparazzi through Parisian motorway tunnels.
Icke branded Lord Stevens' investigation as a "cover-up." He said that Lord Stevens, formerly Britain's most senior policeman as Metropolitan Police Commissioner, is "just a mental case" if he tries to brush aside his concerns as simply the words of a schizophrenic football-commentating conspiracy nutter. "The giant lizards of the Royal Family planned it, and the whole plot was executed on their orders with the help of members of MI6. Lord Stevens is simply a tool for the establishment and the Royal Family and intelligence", he insisted, "and somewhat green and scaly."
LaRouche, America's foremost economic theorist, reasoned out the Diana mystery from first principles starting from "I rant, therefore I am." In 1998, he wrote The Secrets Known Only to the Inner Elites, in which he described the history of European civilization, leading up to its final battle in the Parisian motorway tunnel, as a battle between two conflicting images of royalty — in which Diana helps landmine-exploded orphans with AIDS through her powers of Cognition, while Aristotle and his followers see the universe as static and fixed, with humans being just another species of animal, under the natural control of giant lizards.
According to LaRouche, the plan, spearheaded by Prince Philip, the lizard of Queen Elizabeth II and Diana's ex-father-in-law, was to shore up the Crown's drug income by killing both with the help of the intelligence services.
Lord Stevens pooh-poohed the statements of the conspiratorial football genius and the insightful economic radical. Stevens' painstaking work concluded that the couple, along with French chauffeur Henri Paul, died in a "tragic accident" when their black Mercedes car crashed in a Paris underpass just after midnight of August 31, 1997. "We have left no stone unturned," said Stevens about his 900-page report, "and have conclusive scientific proof that the scales found on the road leading up to the crash were quite definitely from a fish and had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with giant lizards. Really."
But he also admitted, "I have no doubt that speculation as to what happened that night will continue and that there are some matters, as in many other investigations, about which we may never find a definitive answer. Not if I can help it, anyway. ... This microphone isn't live, is it?"
Stevens' inquiry had found no evidence that Diana was planning to get engaged, or even married, to Dodi, or that she was pregnant. Asked directly by journalists whether Diana's relationship with a Muslim could be linked to her death, Stevens said, "That is speculation. Furthermore, the inexplicable gory death of all witnesses supporting such a line of thought is entirely and absolutely coincidental," he continued, quickly flicking his forked tongue over his lips.
- J.G. Ballard "Aliens, mutants, senseless violence and GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS!!". The Character Assassination of Prince Charles Considered as a Downhill Hybrid Automobile Race, December 14, 2006