UnNews:Icelandic researchers: Volcanic gases have deleterious effects

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Icelandic researchers: Volcanic gases have deleterious effects

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15 September 2014


Scientists prepare to measure the lava's inseam

ÞORBJARGARHRAUN, Iceland -- As the eruption of Iceland's Bárðarbunga volcano continues unabated, volcanic gases have triggered public health emergencies across much of the north and eastern portions of the country. Among the key findings of the scientific team dispatched to investigate the gases last Thursday is that they can have a "profoundly deleterious effect on brain pumpkin" and "sulfur dioxide wargle wargle wop wop".

Equipped with the latest line of gas meters and experimental comfort-fit gas masks, scientists have been taking measurements of rates of gas emission, doing spectrographic analysis, and wearing their tents around as capes.

The full details of the investigation are awaiting publication, but members of the team have been sharing their findings with the press. Speaking today on video conference, vulcanologist and self-described "puddle elf" Víðarr the Wolf Slayer said that the team is greatly concerned by the data they've been seeing.

"Our sulfur dioxide meters pegged out at 32 thousand micrograms per cubic meter, which causes headaches and makes the red beetles start to eat your skin," he stated, "but we suspect that there's other gases in the plume that we're not aware of." He added that the team's new chemist, a slightly decomposed arctic fox carcass named Siggi, will soon be reporting back with a more detailed analysis.

"Keep your head down, the Patriksfirðingar are approaching," he whispered while smearing the activated carbon from his smashed air filter on his face as war paint.

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Despite the risk, research on the site has continued unabated. Samples taken from the lava flow have been described as rich in iron and charred fingers. The river Jökulsár á Fjöllum, which the lava flows have been pouring across, has been alternatively described as "highly drowny" and "camel helmet helmet helmet". No results have yet been reported on the attempts to make lava angels.

When asked about the formation of a lava lake in the crater Suðri, the scientists seemed surprised at the news. "Super Hot Tub is ready!" cried Víðarr the Wolf Slayer, to shouts of joy and various animal calls from the rest of the team, before smashing the camera with a claw hammer.

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