UnNews:Iceland brings Europe to standstill, denies responsibility
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Iceland brings Europe to standstill, denies responsibility
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 28, 2016, 16:16:UTC)(
15 April 2010
ISLAND MOUNTAIN GLACIER, Eyjafjallajökull, Iceland -- Icelandic Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir denied "categorically and unashamedly" speculation that her government masterminded the latest volcanic eruption, which has once again rained destruction throughout Europe. Sigurðardóttir refuted accusations from the European Parliament that the island country has either held back its emissions for far too long, or released them deliberately "upon artificial exertion from the bowels of the administration" so as to "hold the world to ransom for the second time in as many years".
According to the British Met Office, sulfurous smells have already been detected in the Northern Isles. Reports from the Shetlands said that the gaseous emissions are so pungent "they give a bitter taste in the mouth".
World leaders have condemned the decision, which was announced in a hurried press conference while European airspace was in indefinite lockdown. British premiere Gordon Brown said during a televised debate that Iceland is once again "airbrushing its policies", while U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton referred to the eruption as "a load of hot air from the vast right-wing conspiracy " designed to impede climate change efforts.
Climate scientists predicted that the reflective volcanic ash would stay in the stratosphere for extended periods of time, blocking sunlight and creating an "Icelandic global winter" for the next decade or two. Combined with the reduction in carbon emission from air travel, this could mean that most of the effects of man-made global warming may well be reversed, to the extent that global climates could come to resemble those in Iceland. Sigurðardóttir denied that this was "not intentional at all".
LATEST: Swedish Prime Minister Carl Bildt speculated that Iceland has summoned Nordic gods to wreck havoc in the United Kingdom. Animosity between the two countries has intensified since the three Cod Wars, in which Iceland annexed 200 nautical miles of territorial waters, and the financial crisis, in which Iceland appropriated 50 billion euros of European savings. David Miliband, UK Foreign Secretary, has repeatedly demanded that his country be repaid, but to no avail - "We said cash, not ash," mused Miliband.
The Government of the United States of America has announced that it will invade Iceland in order to look for further Weapons of Mass Destruction left by Mother Nature. President Barack Obama will not comment on the topic.
- Geir Haarde "Address to the Nation by H.E. Geir H. Haarde, Prime Minister of Iceland". Prime Minister's Office, October 6, 2008
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