UnNews:Ice slabs fall in Toronto, mayor calls for 'tons' of salt
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Ice slabs fall in Toronto, mayor calls for 'tons' of salt
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 21, 2017, 07:43:UTC)(
5 March 2007
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TORONTO, Ontario -- After the eve of Toronto's 47th snowstorm of the year, ice covered a large number of the city's skyscrapers. In response, the mayor ordered salt to alleviate the ice from falling on the roads.
Upon receiving reports of the call for salt, the document received by this news reporter stated that the mayor authorized "50,000,000 tonnes" of salt for use in the city that day. According to city officials, the mayor got a comma mixed up with a period and was mistakenly informed that he needed "A ton of salt".
After the salt was spread, local hospitals received an influx of residents complaining about 'stinging eyes and dehydration", only to realize that the hospitals themselves were covered in salt.
Local resident Jim Bond stated, "I wake up this morning, not to the usual meter of snow, but to ten meters of industrial-grade salt! It's bad enough that my kids can't play in it, but now everything of mine is pure white!"
The mayor, after many complaints, made a public statement, "Greetings citizens of Toronto. I realize the error that...the transportation committee has made...however I am not at fault. It was the people you voted in who told me we needed 'tons' of salt, and thus they are to blame. Now, stop throwing salt-balls at my Mercedes and prize-winning peacocks and direct your attention to my transportation committee."
Efforts continue today to remove all of the snow and to convince Michigan to take the excess salt.
- Transportation Committee Guy "Order Form 67-12 - Toronto's Excessive Edible Salt Consumption". January 6, 2007, March 5, 2007