UnNews:I have to pee
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I have to pee
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 30, 2017, 22:54:UTC)(
25 October 2006
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ABNORMAN, Oklahoma - It has come to my attention that I have to pee. In fact, I have to pee very badly. The police are still investigating what is causing this sensation to pee, as I just went an hour ago.
Before getting this strange sensation, I had 32 -- count them, 32 -- cans of beer followed by 6 glasses of water. Then I fell asleep after watching Freddy vs. Jason on Nickelodeon... at least I think it was Nickelodeon, or it could have been the Playboy channel; I don't remember. Then I woke up with this strange feeling inside my bladder. I knew I had to pee terribly. I also knew that this would make a great UnNews story.
My bladder was arrested and charged with possession of 26.5 gallons of piss. Said one officer, who wished to remain anonymous, "That's a big twinkie! Yeah, uhhh, what we've got here is the largest, most piss-filled bladder I have ever seen since I laughed my ass off at the news that Richard Moll went on a rampage! Hahahahaha! That was some funny shit, I'll tell you. We decided against bladder sugery, and just hired Scotty to beam it outside of his body and replace it with a Michael Bolton CD. Hey, Bolton had to come in handy somehow."
Other sources claim that the tape was, in fact, a Barry Manilow CD and not a Michael Bolton CD. Some also argue that it was a vinyl record and not a CD. Others claim it was an eight track tape. I can't tell since I was put to sleep to numb any pain. This isn't really important to the story, but I just like saying "Michael Bolton," "Barry Manilow," "CD," "Vinyl record," and "eight track tape." takes me back to a time before I was even born.
My bladder was released on $6.50 bail, and I still have to pee. If I don't find a toilet soon, I'm gonna lose my marbles! I'm gonna make Larry King laugh so much that he'll pee himself. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! My bladder has been cleared of all charges, but not relieved. More information will be available as this story develops.
This just in: I no longer have to pee. I could not find a toilet anywhere, and my pants are as wet as hell. Just goes to show you, NEVER drink beer. I feel quite embarrassed right now. If you need me, I'm going to change my pants and go to bed early tonight.
- Pis-Singh N. Pance "I really, really, really, really, really, really, really have to pee RIGHT NOW!!!". The New York Times, October 24, 2006