UnNews:I have taken hostages
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I have taken hostages
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 21:34 (UTC)
8 August 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A number of hostages were taken by me at the Japanese Embassy in downtown Washington earlier this afternoon. The hostage taker, a.k.a. me, may or may not have been acting alone. I'm not telling you, even though it violates my journalistic duty to inform the public. SEE WHAT I THINK OF YOUR RULES, YOU FUCKERS?
I DEMAND safe passage to a non-extradition treaty country – somewhere sunny, but with decent broadband speeds so I can continue to edit Uncyclopedia – and $200,000 in unmarked, non-sequential bills. Be aware that I will check them all, even though it will leave me open to sniper fire for a significant length of time. Also, I want you to bring an ice cream truck up to the front of the building for me to drive to the airport in. Oh yeah, and the in-flight movie better not feature Steve Martin or Queen Latifah if you don't want me to execute some hostages, which I am totally prepared to do.
And nobody had better try and raid the place, or I will kill the hostages. All of them. To prove I am not bluffing, I will now hit this bald man with a foam bat.
YEAH, SO DON'T FUCK WITH ME!!! Also, I have managed to smuggle a large amount of C4 into the building in my colon, so as soon as I'm finished here I am totally gonna booby trap this whole building. Or maybe it's only marzipan, but it'll still do something, though I have no idea what. So yeah...
I forgot to mention, the ice-cream truck should have a fully stocked freezer; I didn't go to the trouble of specifying for nothing. Oh and you better not try any of that psychological warfare stuff like playing Enya music really loud or something. God, I hate Enya. Stupid new-age fucking bitch with her "Orinoco Flow". In fact, that's one of my demands: KILL ENYA!
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
You might ask why I chose to outline my demands on an obscure humour wiki. Well, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS YOU FUCKER! I'M THE ONE IN CHARGE HERE!!! But don't go thinking this is some kind of fucking joke. I am completely serious about this. I have put blood and sweat into writing for this fucking website, but do I get any recognition? No, not a fucking bit. FUCKERS!!! But now they will pay attention to my mad ramblings, because if this article is not featured I will shoot some hostages. SO DON'T FUCK WITH ME!!!
If you do not capitulate to my demands within 7 hours I will execute a hostage, and will continue to kill one hostage every hour until I am left without any bargaining chips. You have been warned.
Oh, one final demand: could someone take care of my cat Mr. Tinkles? He gets lonely without me.
So this is what you FUCKERS do, huh? Feature one of my shitty articles just because I made a threat, when I've done loads that are FUCKING better. And trap me in this soft-padded cell where you play fucking My Chemical Romance all fucking day long. You call THIS A FUCKING HONOR?! - Wait! What the fuck are you doing with me -