UnNews:I am hungry

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I am hungry

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12 October 2008


Don't just stand there thinking. MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

ATLANTA, Georgia - Hello there. I see you've decided to just waltz on in to my house. Well, if you're gonna be here, the least you could do is make me a sandwich. You see, I am fucking hungry.

It has been quite some hours since I last had any nourishment, and I desire some right now. Well, don't just stand there! Make me a sandwich, Panda! I call you "Panda" because you are clearly Asian and have a little white in your hair. Get it? I'm white and I'm... Ah, fuck it. You are clearly far too dumb to understand my incredible wit and humour. Well, what are you standing there for? Go into the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Oh, put that gun away. It clearly is just a plastic toy. Uh... Do you know how much energy it would take me to stand up and bitch slap your Asian ass across the room? Do you?!? Go and make me a sandwich, for Christssakes! Do you really want to get your ass kicked? Do you really? I did not know Asians could be as dumb as you are. You are the stupidest Asian ever. You must be. I swear.

Big Mac hamburger 174229h

Get me a sandwich. Or a burger. I don't really care. JUST FEED ME, PANDA!

Come on! Make me a sandwich already, you faggot! And what's up with the erection, anyway? Do you like being called a faggot, Panda? God, you are gay. A gay guy has waltzed into my home, and he won't even make me a sandwich.

Hey, Panda! Go and make me a sandwich already. I am getting hungrier by the second. My energy supplies are running on empty telling you to make me a sandwich, and you won't do it. Do you not know how to make a sandwich or something? Did your mother not bother to teach you, her gay son, to make edible delicacies? No? Well I don't see how she ever expected you to attract a "partner". I mean, you clearly aren't a pretty enough gay guy to ever get a boyfriend. And, judging by the way you dress, you could never be an interior designer or fashion expert, the two jobs that gay men could ever have without be an athlete of some sort. And, don't try to claim you're a football player. You are far too skinny to be a linebacker but far too scrawny to be anything else. You're just an ugly-ass Asian. Now go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Come on, idiot. Make me a sandwich already... Do you need me to explain to you how to make a sandwich? Are you really --

*gun cocks*
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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.

... Great... Now I have to clean up a dead body, AND I still haven't gotten a sandwich... Fucking great... Wait a minute! Somebody just came into my house and had a gun! Shit! ... Damn... I'm still hungry, too...

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