|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
20 February 2013
Speaking at Hamley's ,Kate bravely laid into the 'ugly old hag Hilary' for saying she was only created to be a breeding machine for the British Royal Family Toy Range and said her opponent was 'way past her sell by date'.
"It's a lie I was introduced only to be a companion for Prince William. I am a full working woman and now I have an add-on Pregnant Belly extra for everyone who has been following my story. This Boiled Cabbage Doll is just an envious toy who has never enjoyed the physical comforts that I now have with my Prince Willy. So I hope all kids will pull her legs off and stick her in the spin dry to ruin her hair, or better still - just leave the old boot on the shelf!."
The Boiled Cabbage Patch Doll in response said that her words had been mis-reported by reptiles eager to protect their fairyland princess from attack. However, Hilary added that she stood by her words.
"When I was giving a lecture at the Teddy Bears Picnic, I mentioned my views of Kate, Duchess of Cambridge. I said the was only made available to play with because the Windsor Toy Range had sagging sales since the Princess Diana doll was discontinued in 1997. That toy had malfunctioned and had started to be found coupled with other toys like Doctor Man and Army Man before ending up with Junior Pharaoh. I was just saying that this time the Kate doll won't have a chance to try out companion ranges and will be stuck with William until he goes bald."
Armed mobs with burning copies of newspapers have demanded that the Boiled Cabbage Patch Doll be thrown onto a fire for insulting Kate. The doll is now hiding in an attic until her next appearance at the Barbie Book Awards where her book 'Burying My Career' is expected to win.