I Can't Believe It's Not Communism! is recalled for containing Communism
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 16:22:UTC)(
8 November 2007
BEIJING, China The FDA today has announced the recall of the popular spread I Can't Believe It's Not Communism after discovery that it has been tainted with significant levels of Communism. "We, the People's Republic of China, sincerely apologize for the high levels of Communism found in our products. In the interest of the relevance of our Communist regime, better quality control is now in place to ensure that Communism will not taint any of our exports, and all the people responsible for this will be severely punished," said the Minister of Information of China, before he yelled "Love live Mao Zedong!" It was suspected he was high on Communism while he gave the speech, despite the fact that this drug has been made illegal and possession of it will engender of the wrath of Mao, who will rise from the dead and sell you badges with his pictures on it, for profit, of course.
"We are appalled that I Can't Believe It's Not Communism actually contains Communism," a spokesman for the company which manufactures the product repeated, "all measures are being taken by the Communist Party of China to ensure that no capitalists operating with the blessings of the Communist Party will contaminate their products with Communism." However, many in the United States question the Communist Party's commitment to eradicating Communism. This is due to a series of previous incidents which Communism has been found to contaminate a wide range of products from cat food to children's toys. Other unrelated quality issues also tarnished China's reputation for consumer safety, such as the fact that its cat food is actually made from cats and its children's toys are actually made from children. However, because the United States represent such a large market for China, it is suspected that China will pay attention to this issue and will at least lie to the American public about the extent of Communism in Chinese products.
I Can't Believe It's Not Communism is a popular product created in China with all the nostalgic taste of good old Communism with none of the dialectical materialism. While Communism was promoted in China during the Cultural Revolution to get China off of its dangerous addiction to opium, it is also a deadly neurotoxin. After being ingested it is immediately converted into roofies by an enzyme in the stomach. It is particularly pernicious to the young, as it passes into the bloodstream and quickly accumulates in the brain where it irreparably destroys neurons. Parents who see in their children with attention deficit disorder, urge to incite class struggle and ranting against "bourgeois society" are recommended to send their children to the doctor's office to get a routine test for Communism.