|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
26 February 2009
It has been said that I advocate the position that Al Gore does not exist, but this is not accurate. While I have said that Al Gore is not a real political figure, but simply a figment of the liberal elite's imagination, this does not mean I think Al Gore has not ever happened. Understanding my exact terminology will help clarify this issue.
I am not an Al Gore denier. That is an unfair and, frankly, inflammatory accusation. Clearly, Al Gore is a real phenomenon. In fact, making a careful observation of any given area's telephone listing, it is clear that several Al Gores make legitimate claims to actually existing. What I do say with absolute scientific confidence is that any instance of Al Gore that may occasionally appear is a mere consequence of cyclical natural processes, and not the result of any human-caused electoral process. Simply put, there is no undeniable scientific evidence that the politician and global warming advocate and documentarian known as Al Gore is an actual, non-fictional being.
Look at the chart below. The marked difference between Al Gore's predicted popularity and its actual trend clearly contradicts the Al Gore proponents' key "proof" of his existence.
Note: the popularity prediction figures shown here are mine: they indicate my reasonably expected popularity of a figure such as is described by the Al Gore proponents. It should be noted that for this reason, proponents have called this argument a "straw man", but I am a scientist, not a farmer. I don't know what the term means.
It is more likely that the Al Gore this chart describes is an unknown machinist from Pittsburgh, whose influence on the environment is minimal at best. Alarmists would shout that Al Gore is a force to be dealt with immediately or we will surely all perish in flames. However, we can see that he is most likely not even a real person, and to implement any policy based on something this fictitious figure is claimed to have said is simply irresponsible.
Also, smoking does not cause cancer.
- —Richard "Dick" Lindzen.