UnNews:ISIS victory takes Obama by surprise

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ISIS victory takes Obama by surprise

Straight talk, from straight faces

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19 May 2015

Overload truck

ISIS advanced technology proves too much for the Obama Administration.

RAMADI, Iraq -- ISIS launched a massive offensive in which it captured this crucial city and drove out the Iraqi forces stationed there. The Iraqis were overrun so quickly that they were compelled to leave behind a significant amount of supplies that had been provided by the US. These included thousands of weapons, millions of rounds of ammunition, and over 500,000 Yes, we can! bumper stickers left over from the 2014 campaign of President Obama.

Initial reports that the fall of the city stunned the Administration seem to be premature, as Secretary of State John Kerry brushed off the loss as a minor setback, a natural part of the ebb-and-flow, yin-and-yang of war.

Kerry said, "I'm sure we will be able to retake the city in a day or two. I have ordered 50,000 more $1,000,000 drone-launched smart bombs for strikes against any 1984 Isuzu pickups we see driving around in the desert. We will hit them where it hurts!"

Kerry turned aside questions about using a million-dollar smart bomb to do the job of a 50 cent bullet — though a MIL-SPEC bullet manufactured by a women-and-minority-owned defense contractor costs ten bucks — insisting that "no boots on the ground" is an Administration priority, except when helicopters of snipers land to snuff out a celebrity terrorist, with a potential feature film containing footage from the White House Situation Room. In fact, the reporter took flak for asking the adversarial questions, as his impartiality has not been established, such as by $75,000 contributions to a candidate's Global Foundation.

However, Kerry did defend the effectiveness of the "air-strike-only" campaign being waged in Iraq and Syria: "Just because this type of military action has never worked in the past, doesn't mean that it won't work this time. Wars change; I mean, you get enough monkeys and typewriters and statistically one of them is bound to come up with a strategy to get us out of this mess. We just need to be patient and sit back, until the war naturally becomes suited to our weapons and training, or all their trucks break down."

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Change

Kerry noted that if a Republican such as Rumsfeld tried this, it would be done in a cavalier way, with no firm mandate from the American people, knowledge of the situation in-country, nor guarantee of success, nor clarity of what happens next. "We might not even be able to distinguish friend from foe," he said.

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