UnNews:ISIS claims responsibility for Texas cartoon attack

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ISIS claims responsibility for Texas cartoon attack

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5 May 2015

Charlie Hebdo

No, seriously, this isn't another one. It is merely a "reboot" of the Spider-Man franchise.

GARLAND, Texas -- ISIS has claimed responsibility for an attack last weekend near Dallas and has promised more in the future.

The attempt occurred during the Muhammad Art Exhibit and Cartoon Contest, as the crowd chanted, "We are Charlie Hebdo — except for those two weird guys in the back — no, those other two, there, with the AK-47s." The contest, inspired either by the recent murders in Paris or the Springtime writing contest at Uncyclopedia, awarded prizes for the best artistic rendition of Muhammad.

Unbeknownst to the contest organizers, however, Islam regards any such depiction as blasphemy. Splinter sects, comprising extremists who actually read the Koran, even call for jihad. Commentators as diverse as Bill O'Reilly and the New York Times claimed citizens of a truly enlightened nation would decline to draw the Prophet, even though, technically, they might have a right to. And if Americans really cared, they would wrap their women in burlap too.

The rights of assailants Elton Simpson and Nadir Soofi were trampled, as no sooner did they draw their weapons and fire at a security guard but a Garland policeman "dropped them," to use Texas slang, despite their body armor. The policeman now leads the Texas League (where everyone bats from the right) with an impressive 1.000 terrorists-per-bullet average for the season, despite only using a handgun. Witnesses say Mr. Simpson's final word was "D'oh!"

The U.S. Government had investigated Mr. Simpson for four years and arrested him in 2010. The investigation involved more than 1500 hours of conversations recorded with a wiretap, during which he lied to federal agents — reportedly, that he "had to go to the bathroom" even though Homeland Security investigators testified that he "produced less than a tablespoon." However, his sentence of three years' probation was long over. His $600 in court fees was spent and the doughnuts were all eaten.

Homeland Security secretary Jeh Johnson said federal agents had no way of knowing that Mr. Simpson, whom he characterized as a "dreamer" merely acting out his genetic destiny, was planning an attack in Texas, apart from him returning to the Islamic Center of Phoenix and recruiting Mr. Soofi for an attack in Texas. President Obama recalled Secretary of State John Kerry from Somalia, en route to achieve another "historic first" and maybe even find people to negotiate with. Instead, Mr. Kerry flew to Raqqa, Syria to discuss the Texas attack with the members of the Caliphate who claimed credit for it. Mr. Kerry might repeat his feat in Iran and negotiate a "go-slow" agreement for future terror attacks that expires in ten years, perhaps limited to one shooting spree per year-or-so, under terms where a U.N. inspection team can view their weapons, unless they hide them.

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