UnNews:ISIS battalion executes itself
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ISIS battalion executes itself
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, April 23, 2017, 12:07:UTC)(
27 August 2014
ALEPPO PROVINCE, Syria -- This afternoon, in a hilarious demonstration of friendly fire and gravity, ISIS battalion codenamed الجبن المجيد “Glorious Cheese” shot itself to death following a routine execution.
The fifty-odd group of overly enthused extremists reportedly fired their rifles in celebration after executing several Syrian soldiers, and civilians belonging to the wrong sect of Islam on that day. The celebratory firing lasted approximately 40 seconds until the very same bullets rained down upon the clustered battalion.
“It was like a hail storm- but more fatal”, commented an old man with popcorn watching the event take place through his window. “I suddenly saw pops of smoke everywhere around the courtyard, including a few in the men’s heads and fallen corpses”.
According to domestic monitoring group, the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights and Wrongs, nothing was out of the ordinary aside from the simple fact that this particular group excelled at aiming precisely 90 degrees into the air. Normally when celebratory fire is done, rifles are aimed at slight angles from the sky, often times very close to 90 degrees.
Nonetheless, this was only the beginning of the charade when the very same overly enthused militants then mistook their own comrades for the enemy, and engaged them in a deafening close proximity shootout which left nearly everyone in the courtyard dead or wounded. Due to the dust and haze of the engagement, the last standing militants picked off the indiscernible wounded until encountering others of their own flag, who they promptly shot down without giving an extra thought.
According to a living Alawite observer and ex-prisoner, who is very good at faking death, only one ISIS militant remained standing when it was all over. Likely believing that he would be punished for high treason, the lone militant turned himself into Syrian authorities as a seditionist requesting conscription to the Syrian Army. According to the Associated Press, these sort of habitual flag changings during the conflict have promulgated lately, and appeal to the most confused and violent of militants who don’t exactly care who they kill, so long as it’s someone.
The Syrian Minister of Death labeled this odd occurrence a “good show!”, and encourages other ISIS militants to behave in the same fashion during their routine executions. The Minister has also distributed a supply of large protractors to the most insecure villages in Syria hoping they'll end up in the hands of other ISIS militants who enjoy shooting at the sky.
In a slightly related note, Dan Gross of the anti-gun lobby, The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, remarked that he hopes for similar occurrence at the next large NRA assembly due to take place this autumn in the United States.