UnNews:ISIS awarded ISO accreditation
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ISIS awarded ISO accreditation
Straight talk, from straight faces
Wednesday, August 23, 2017, 04:35:UTC)(
21 May 2015
RAMADI, Obama Province, Islamic State -- Mega-terrorist conglomerate ISIS has achieved its highest endorsement, gaining recognition as compliant with international health and safety regulations, after being awarded an ISO 9000 accreditation.
The recruitment and terrorism consultancy ISIS, world leader in the barbarousness sector with a significant presence throughout Iraq and Syria, has met all the administration and safety-management requirements specified by ISO’s international standards, to operate as a fully certified, safety-conscious terrorist organization.
The final hurdle to certification was devising an ISIS questionnaire by which to ensure proper notification of next-of-kin in the case of a mishap occurring to an employee during a planned mishap.
ISO is an international body that provides practical tools, in triplicate, to protect businesses from the small claims courts, freeing them up to focus on creating many of today’s global atrocities in a safe environment for their employees.
Norbert Henshaw, the auditor issuing the certificate, was impressed with the level of safety management the ISIS organization maintained. “It is always a challenge achieving this level of accreditation in a hazardous work environment. ISIS has proved very efficient at their paperwork, particularly their comprehensive monthly safety committee meeting minutes.”
The monthly minutes include a rolling risk assessment of suicide bombing, compulsory use of a hard hat and safety harness when destroying large historical sculptures, and an ongoing debate over the requirement to wear high visibility surcoats, when involved in a firefight with local police or armed forces.
ISO 9000 also requires register of load testing lifting equipment on a five yearly basis. If the lifting equipment is used to suspend persons, such as gallows, the load test is done annually, with a six-monthly visual inspection.
“ISIS Safety Officer Abu Ahmad al-Alwani had all the certificates to hand and in date for the ropes,” said Henshaw, “as well as full records of electrical PAT testing for the torture machine. I was given a full induction on arrival, including a detailed video of on-site operations, in this case a teenager from the al-Sheitatt tribe, being blown up by an RPG, and the “tool box talk” that took place before and after the workscope.
“The video and induction placed great emphasis on how poor safety affects company efficiency. ISO understands that, in the terrorism world, lack of proper planning and safety checks can be hazardous for a suicide bomber, as they are working on a site where safety is not controlled in-house.” Tripping over a dog or slipping on a child’s toy is the most common reason for terrorist “Safety Observations” and there is a standard paragraph in every talk about the dangers of complacency.
“ISIS have kindly allowed me to demonstrate their audit system to BP and Halliburton,” Henshaw continued, “which are still out of compliance, as they keep killing people not specified in the Company Management System as allowed to be killed. Tragically, this lowers the compliance scores in their safety records. ISIS declares everyone as potential collateral damage, signed by the MD Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in their ISO manual, and thus protects itself from Toyota-pick-up-chasing small claims lawyers."
- Payton Guion "Al-Qaeda application form: 'Who should we contact in case you become a martyr?'". Independent, May 20, 2015