UnNews:IPad Mini’s 7.9 inch screen allows use with a single penis
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IPad Mini’s 7.9 inch screen allows use with a single penis
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 28, 2015, 10:53:UTC)(
25 October 2012
LOS ANGELES, California -- The world's most masturbation-friendly company, Apple, has announced the launch of their new cock-length electronic gadget: iPad Mini.
CEO Tim Cook took the stage yesterday, telling how Apple’s R&D department came up with the device after intense innovation effort, culminating in a software engineer’s mother accidentally including an iPad 2 in a cottons-only hot wash.
Cook held the audience in erotic ecstasy as he told them of the iPad Mini’s patented "Large Pixel" technology. This technology allows the pixels on the iPad Mini to be significantly bigger and more visible than a similar sized tablet, such as a Google Nexus 7 can manage.
Cook explained, "With a small screen and large pixels, you’re essentially – excluding one of the worlds - getting the best of both worlds.”
Analysts have speculated that because of its size, the new iPad is most likely aimed at the female market. Cook boasted Apple was again leading the market, and that at last women were able to pick up a tablet without the need for assistance from their husbands or "close" male friends.
Indeed, an actual woman was brought onto the stage to demonstrate, and audience members reported that it did appear as if she was holding the device unaided.
Technology website CNET have confirmed in their testing that it is indeed theoretically possible for heterosexual women to handle the device. But in a hands-on test for the website, a female user misplaced the iPad Mini, explaining she was "sure she had it in her handbag earlier." CNET have said they are hopeful of relocating the lost Mini, but warn that it may be covered in tissues.
The announcement has not been without incident, with fans of the Google Nexus 7 (the notorious Phandroids) being involved in violent clashes with Apple fans in an Amsterdam bar ahead of the Champions League game between Ajax and Manchester City last night. Calm was restored by the police when they used water cannons to render everyone's tablet devices non-demonstratable.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|