UnNews:I.O.C. drops wrestling; plans to add "Olympic Doping Competition"
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I.O.C. drops wrestling; plans to add "Olympic Doping Competition"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 24, 2017, 08:55:UTC)(
7 June 2013
LAUSANNE, Switzerland -- The Chief Olympic Committee, or COCk, as they are called, voted today to ban wrestling as an Olympic sport. Citing an overall lack of viewership compared to professional wrestling, they said that there was no other choice. Also canceled today were water polo, witch burning, and fencing.
The committee has until the end of next week to find suitable replacement competition sports and will likely finalize three of those decisions sometime early next week. However, the committee was swayed by a long-time triathlon member and added one sport immediately: The Olympic Doping Competition.But committee decided each have to carry their own dope or will not be allowed to participate in the competition. Only sample collection jars will be supplied by the organizers.
The COCk hopes to cash-in on the fame of Lance Armstrong, now infamous for his highly competitive doping in 7 Tour De France competitions. The campaign managers of COCk met him last week at his academy somewhere near the mexican border where he already started training the youth for this highly acclaimed competition. The training here is heard to be the best of its kind in the entire world.
COCk President, Count Jacques Rogge, held a press conference earlier this evening, where he said “Vwone... Tvwo... Theree... Favour sports canceled! Vrestling, vwitch burning, and vencing! But ve haf a new svort to announce: Doping!”.
An English translation of The Count's speech was not immediately available. After his speech, he turned the conference over to committee member Craig Reedie, an Englishman who we were sure to have just as much trouble understanding.
“We here at COCk envision a brighter future for the Olympic games - one that keeps up with the times. Unfortunately, wrestling just isn't popular as an Olympic game - it could be the lack of tables, chairs, and cage matches - we're not really sure. What we here, at COCk, do know is that doping is popular. Lance Armstrong has sold millions of copies of his books, starred in movies with such A-listers as Vince Vaughn... Wait, did this fucking speech really call Vince Vaughn an A-lister? Who the fuck wrote this piece of shit?”
Reedie rambled on for a minute on the topic of Vince Vaughn before digressing: “Lance Armstrong can help lead us into the future. I have faith in him. Lance is not a dope, just a doper. In fact, we have so much respect for his accomplishments that we intend to have him be the head judge of every doping event that we have. We've already guaranteed him a spot, and we're working on a short-list of other notable famous sports figures we would like to have as judges. That list includes Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, and that other guy who played baseball and used performance-enhancing substances.”
Doping experts suggest that the sport could be a hit, with several different events, such as: the 100milliliter dope, where contestants race to be the first to inject 100 milliliters of doped blood through their buttocks and into their blood stream; The Denial, an event where athletes do their best to lie about doping on national television; and finally, the Freestyle, where athletes can inject as much as they want into any part of their body until something goes mightily wrong.The above is all just conjecture by experts, as the facts of the new event aren't yet available, but one thing is sure: After the 2016 Rio games, there will be no more man-on-man humping at the Olympic games.