UnNews:I've Been Unjolly Rogered ! Swiss Tennis Star Goes Into Hiding
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I've Been Unjolly Rogered ! Swiss Tennis Star Goes Into Hiding
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 02:44 (UTC)
12 December 2009
Swiss born tennis star Roger Federer has gone into hiding following the news that the new Gillette razor which he was recently promoted had been cursed by Forces Unknown.
For the last couple of years Federer has been appearing in a bad advert with French football star Thierry Henry and golfer Tiger Woods in a television advert featuring a new razor marketed by Gillette. Now his two co-stars have seen their reputations as sporting icons challenged and ridiculed following Henry's hand ball in the World Cup football qualifying match between France and Ireland and Tiger Woods's vigorous pursuit of extra marital affairs off the golf course. Now Federer has gone hiding and stopped shaving convinced the Curse of the Gillette Razor will now come to haunt him.
I am a very scared Swiss Big Cheese, admitted Federer as he spoke to UnNews . When I took the money from Gillette to promote their razors and toilet bags , I did not know this advertising campaign had been cursed by mysterious powers. I was just told to appear in the advert and pretend to be friends of Thierry Henry and Tiger Woods. I had my doubts about doing it but they stopped when dropped $10 million in my bank account.
Until this year Roger Federer had been the number one tennis player but strange on and off court dramas have seen him lose games. He says he lost at Wimbledon when 'an old crone' looked at him strangely - though that was BBC Tennis host Sue Barker and at the US tennis Open he says Jack Nicholson asked him if he could see dead people at the bar.
But my run of bad luck has really increased since November. I just can't seem to win anything so I have decided to return to my Swiss chalet and milk my cow whilst I think about my future career. At least for now - I have stopped using a razor.
Federer says he may consider a career in reality piracy whilst he waits to go back into tennis. Or perhaps playing Blackbeard in Pantomime until everthing blows over. He also has thought of becoming a moose whisperer and learn how to make moose/human breeding possible so he can have a little moose child with huge antlers.
I have the beard...I have the name..and if all works out , I will be a Jolly Roger again. Talk to me again in about six months when I am ready to go back to Tennis and wacking tennis balls at the hairy Spaniard Rafa Nadal..
Gillette have so far declined to comment to say who the Forces Unknown are behind their recent problems but think it could be a three lettered word : BIC.