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Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, July 31, 2015, 06:16:UTC)(
13 June 2007
LEXINGTON, Virginia-...Uh...Seriously, I'm bored. Check the title; I didn't even write it to UnNews format. Nothing happened in the world today. Well, there was the stuff in Iraq, Alberto Gonzales, and Paris Hilton being in jail, but let's face it. Everybody knows how that all plays out and how it is going to end. Where's the fun in it?
I've got nothing. Honestly. There's nothing going on, it's hot as hell outside, and I'm alone in this damned house. Since I need to write something to get over this boredom, I guess I'll tell you what I had to do today.
I started by eating my breakfast: Oatmeal squares with orange juice. Yay. After eating, I went back to sleep on the couch, since the springs in my bed are all broken. I tried to go back to sleep, but then I forgot I had to feed my damned cat. Oh, it let me know about it, too, meowing as loud as it could at my front door. I wish that cat would just run into a pack of wild coyotes and get its shit ruined.
Later, after waking up, I decided to brave the heat and mow my lawn. Big mistake. Right off the bat, black smoke came out when I tried to start it. Then, after that left, I realized I needed to put gas in it. Unfortunately, I was out of gas, so I had to get in my car and drive into town to fill up the can. It took me $32.50 to fill it. $32.50!!! If it wasn't for the fact that this has been going on for a while, I would write about it. Then, I got back home and put the gas in my lawnmower, and it burst into flames. Anyhoo, the fire department came and put it out, I went back inside, and here I am.
How much space is that? Let me just hit the preview button here...crap. I need to take up more room. Well, there is the cameraphone pic of me over to the right. Lemme look through "My Pictures" here on the desktop. Oh, a random picture of Bozo the Clown. Wait, why do I have Bozo on here? Oh, nevermind. I'll just stick it on the left side and give it some insane, non-fitting caption.
God, this is harder to do than I thought. Well, I get paid to write news stories, so...wait. I don't GET paid. I could just make up some stupid crap and get away with it. Hmm...haven't done anything like that since high school and English class. Well, I could give it a try. Maybe something unexpected.....I've got it!
BERLIN, Germany-A short, unimposing, unbelievable, crazy man with a bad moustache somehow convinced a whole lot of people here that he is the greatest ruler ever and will lead them to glory. Nah, too far-fetched.
You know what? I don't care anymore. I'm so bored at this point I can barely hold my eyes open. How much do I have written?
Oh, screw it. I've met my quota for the day. I'm going to go fall asleep to porn.
Seriously, what part of what I just said don't you get? I can't think of any fakey links to please you, ingrates. Look! I couldn't even put enough bullshit in to fill in everything to here. Leave me alone!