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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 16:42:UTC)(
22 February 2008
NEW HAVEN, Connecticut – A stunning revelation came forth early yesterday afternoon, when it came to light that a single white man, advised by a small council, was indeed the clandestine ruler of the entire planet, as had long been suspected by many, particularly African-Americans. Overseeing such divergent disciplines as diamond mining and acceptable ethnic dance, it was equally stunning, when the Imperial Grand Terrestrial Master, colloquially referred to as ‘The Man’, revealed that he had indeed been using racism to hold blacks back worldwide, and that he hoped to ‘reconcile’ and ‘start over’. “Originally it was just an economic thing – slavery and all – but then it proved so effective, the council and I couldn’t stop”, he announced. When asked what prompted him to reveal his existence and apologize, The Man replied simply “It was time.”
This seems to bode well for African-Americans, who this year may see the first African American president in the country’s history. Some, however, don’t see the two phenomena as unrelated, and echoed skepticism. “It’s a little convenient that he chooses to out himself and apologize the very year that we may see a black president”, said Darnell Marcus, 32, a graduate of the Yale School of Law. When questioned as to whether this may be a ploy by The Man to soften relations with blacks because he may see his dominance wane in the coming years, Darnell answered, “Hell yeah, shit.”
The Man also floored everyone in the room with the most stunning of all of his many revelations to blacks – that he personally (not the CIA, though he admitted founding the organization) was responsible for releasing crack and HIV/AIDS into the black community in a “Tuskeegee-esque” experiment. “We wanted to see if we could really destroy you guys from the inside out, and boy did we succeed”, he mused smugly. “I mean, damn!”, he continued with a chuckle. He then immediately composed himself and added, “But seriously, that was really bad of me.”
Still, others saw positivity and a step in the right direction, even though The Man kept his actual identity secret while admitting his existence. “It’s about time we got somethin’. Lord knows they done took enough”, said Sharita McQueen, a 73 year-old mother of four and grand mother of seven. “Now, if we can get those reparations, the apology will be complete.”
Blacks and reparations weren’t the only grievances addressed for redress by The Man. Hippies were alerted to the fact that ‘Burning Man’, an annual event in the Nevada desert at which prostitutes are hired to infect one lucky man with gonorrhea, was really just a ploy to get as many hippies as possible into one place for as long as possible, where they could be monitored while authorities searched their homes. This is part of an annual event for authorities called “Searching Man”, unbeknownst to hippies, where evidence is gathered on liberals by conservative authorities and is passed on to God for use in his impending judgment.
The Man refused to apologize to Native Americans for the introduction of alcohol to their community, however, citing their casinos as a redress. “We exploited your vice, now I’m letting you exploit ours. We’re even.”, he chided. He did apologize to the northern Inuits, though, for several racist infractions, such as creating the force field that keeps them from entering into the warmer climates of North America where the descendants of Europeans are more often found. “We got along in Iceland, but we just really got greedy in the Americas, and I'm sorry”, The Man admitted, which got a warm response. He did not say whether the force field would be lifted in the near future. When the Inuits asked about reparations for having to have lived on seal meat and having been forced to build homes out of ice (the very source of their discomfort), The Man changed the subject.
Despite there being no truly visible sign of reconciliation coming about, many were pleased to have what may have been a historic, if symbolic only, gesture. “I don’t see nuthin’ comin’ of it, but at least he acknowledged it”, added Marcus. “Still, where my money at?”
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|