UnNews:Hyrule physicists report quantum fluctuations
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Hyrule physicists report quantum fluctuations
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 07:08:UTC)(
21 August 2008
CASTLE TOWN, Hyrule -- Top scientists at the Hyrule Institute of Technology are reporting strange fluctuations in the fabric of space-time. HIT officials are being extremely secretive about the findings, but did shed some light on the matter this morning in a press conference. "We don't yet know enough about the anomalies to give out any kind of information to the public," said one noted Zora and quantum physicist. "While this could potentially turn into a serious situation, we urge the public not to panic at this time, and to wait until our notice to begin panicking properly."
As to the cause of these mysterious fluctuations, scientists can only speculate. "The most likely reason for these space-time tears is time travel," said Hyrule Tech graduate student Malin. "Single trips forward or backward in time are relatively harmless to the Hyrule universe, but repeated forays between times could lead to permanent damage."
Law enforcement officials, heeding these allegations of some sort of time-vandal, have over-reacted accordingly. They have issued an all-points bulletin for the adventurer Link, who just last year was arrested on charges of property damage. The self-admitted vandal served six months in a juvenile detainment "happy camp" atop Death Mountain, but it seems that he has reverted back to his old ways. "Why, just the other day I emerged from my front door, and found the bushes that once covered my front lawn had been hacked to pieces!" said Kakariko Village resident Maurice Lastname. "Granted, I haven't been out of my house in years because of those damn shrubs, and now I can finally go pick up my wife from her Moblin needlepoint class. But really, it's the principle of the thing!"
Local citizens have been urged not to confront Link should he appear. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous, and also has some type of fancy new boots which allow him to accelerate rapidly and evade capture. It is thought that he is using some sort of musical device to travel through time repeatedly; current information points to some sort of 'Harpischord of Time' which Link carries around with him, along with his boomerang, sword, shield, fractions of heart containers, rupees, arrows, bombs, grappling devices, giant hammers, and live poultry. "How he manages to carry all of that plus a large musical instrument is just another puzzling element of the case," said Goron Police Chief Daruto. "I would be impressed if he managed to carry so much as an ocarina around with him on top of all that junk, nevermind a large stringed instrument."