UnNews:Hypofaceitosis claims another victim
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Hypofaceitosis claims another victim
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, March 23, 2017, 22:23:UTC)(
HOLLYWOOD, USA -- Leelee Sobieski, star of a string of films that you haven't seen, has been diagnosed by doctors at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center with hypofaceitosis.
|“||We've suspected for quite a while that she was a carrier of the disease." said Dr. Jeremy Swan at a press conference held in the Lucille Ball Memorial Conference Room at the hospital, "As a child, her face was always disproportionately small in comparison to her head. But in the last five years her face has shriveled considerably. Eventually it will disappear altogether; leaving her unable to carry out even simple tasks, like delivering dialogue in a leaden manner or squinting.||”|
Hypofaceitosis is a non-infectious degenerative disease that causes the cranium, or "head", to slowly consume the face, or "face". Due to its rarity, very little research has been done to discover exactly how or why this occurs.
|“||Unfortunately, nothing can be done to prevent the adorable effects of this disease. Few medical establishments are studying it at all, as most are busy fighting important diseases like male pattern baldness, erectile dysfunction and that thing where your legs or arms twitch while you sleep." continued Dr. Swan, "I hope that we'll find a cure, or at least a treatment, soon. She'll be thirty in less than a decade, and the baby-faced effect caused by hypofaceitosis, which we are calling 'Leelee Sobieski disease' or 'LSD' in her honor, won't be cute anymore. Instead, it will be disquieting and creepy, like Minnie Driver.||”|
Doctors for famous Hollywood stars are on the lookout for other potential carriers of LSD, in the hopes that the television coverage provided by their suffering will attract the big research grants that will be required to fight the disease.
|“||I was sure that Tiffani Thiessen had hypofaceitosis and that it had squeezed out her middle name." he closed, "But it turned out that she just has a really big head. Seriously! It's like a foot across.||”|
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|