UnNews:Hydroelectric dams recalled due to 'unproven technology'
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Hydroelectric dams recalled due to 'unproven technology'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, September 26, 2016, 12:17:UTC)(
31 July 2008
A COMFORTABLE CHAIR, Office Building -- Citing the need to improve energy infrastructure for the benefit of all, Energy Companies decided, at the bequest of shareholders, to decommission all existing hydroelectric dams and other forms of deriving energy from water. Water and Gravity, our most precious resources, can no longer be squandered to our increasing energy requirements. All previous dam sites are to be returned to their natural state by dedicated forest creatures.
"Things that spin around and make energy without oil scare us, " explained head CEO and evil mastermind Satan to various demons in suits, "This move is intended to confuse the public into compliance with our oil rationing scheme, which, as we all know, is completely unwarranted and evil." Satan, pausing dramatically to eat fried chicken, continued "We can do this because our brainwashing has been successful; people now regard electric motors as unproven technology. We are almost finished convincing people that high-energy particles are only available from controlled fusion experiments in the far north." Hurling a chicken bone into the sun, otherwise known as Jesus, our lord and savior, Satan continued "Fuck the fucking sun and it's free energy! It's really setting us back guys. I'll offer the seventh plane of hell to the first guy here who blots that damn sun right out- takers?" Indescribable chaos ensued.
When things had settled down and only 4.5 demons remained, Jubilex gibbered to his dark lord "My [dark]] lord, we have already confused our slaves into believing that the sun is dangerous, we must simply tell them that unless they remain underground using diesel generators, they will be disintegrated by gamma rays. Of course I will continue to pursue my work convincing our slaves that if they dig too far underground they will meet demons instead of a world-wide renewable source of thermal-based energy."
"You are obedient, Jubilex" rumbled Satan, "but surely your plan for the sun will fail for the same reason that your campaign to frighten people about the underground has worked so well- because these monkeys are accustomed to the sun- they- they- worship it..." collapsing into tears, Satan dismissed the remaining demons. As they left they all mumbled to do their very best to make the sun disappear. Poor Satan, the sun really tears him up.
- Mao Tse Dung (what's brown and sounds like a bell?) "Religion good, science bad". Happy Socialist of China Journal For Modern Good Thinking, July 31, 2008