UnNews:Hybrid marijuana plant discovered by Mexican police
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
20 December 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
LAZARO CARDENAS, Mexico - Soldiers trying to seize control of one of Mexico's top drug-producing regions found the countryside teeming with a new hybrid marijuana plant that cannot be killed with pesticides, feeds on human blood, sings show tunes, and has a sassy, jive-talking attitude that borders on stereotype.
Soldiers fanned out across some of the new fields Tuesday, in the western state of Michoacan, pulling up plants by the root and burning them, as the plants screamed in pain and terror. The plants' roots survive if they are doused with herbicide, said army Gen. Manuel Garcia.
"Ay caramba, these plants they have genetically mutated somehow, I theenk," he told a handful of journalists allowed to accompany soldiers on a daylong raid. "We got to cut the plant and try to keel it, but thees plant it come back to life and start to seeng about needing more human blood."
The new plants, known as "Grosso Musicales Peligro" mature in about two months and can be planted at any time of year, meaning authorities will no longer be able to time raids to coincide with twice-yearly harvests. The plant grows so fast that traffickers can now produce as much marijuana on a plot the size of a football field as they used to harvest in 10 to 12 acres.
In Michoacan, officials say the Valencia and Gulf cartels have been battling over lucrative marijuana plantations and smuggling routes for cocaine and methamphetamine to the United States. In one incident, gunmen stormed into a bar and dumped five human heads on the dance floor.
The heads became the chorus of a rousing dance number, but they were still kind of gross.