Hutchence 'now second worst asphyxiation death'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, October 23, 2018, 03:45:UTC)(
26 November 2012
BUMBLEFUCK, Florida -- Michael Hutchence, who died in 1997 during an act of masturbation, has now had his decease moved to second-most-embarrassing-asphyxiation death by the World Health Organisation after a post-mortem revealed that Edward Archbold, who bought it last month after participating in a cockroach-eating contest, technically suffocated.
"I guess all those bugs inside him just blocked his airways," said Danielle Frigson, a non-expert in medicine who we interviewed after punching random numbers into the telephone, "That's nasty, boy. I think it's still a toss-up between jerking yourself to death and choking on cockroaches but... no wait, now I say it back again, choking on cockroaches is worse."
Hutchence's daughter, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Knicker Bocker Glory, whom he sired via Paula Yates (who also bit the dust in ignominious fashion), said in a statement: "For years I have had to endure jokes about Daddy Wank Choke. Russell Brand, the least funny stand-up of all time, did a routnine about him that a friend of mine posted on my MySpace.  I hope that, with the swallowing of these cockroaches, the mantle of most embarrassing asphyxiating death will be passed on to Mr Archbold, and the concomitant abuse will be borne by his gormless spawn." One member of the Archbold family, his 12 year-old Brandy, refused to comment when we approached her outside school.
Analysts suggested the key to the story achieving notoriety was reliant on finding a solid joke or similar snappy name for the late Mr Archbold. Brandy's horrible classmate, Paula Gilhooly, an obvious bitch, reflected: "The thing is, we haven't really nailed her properly. We call her Roach Girl, but that's not quite specific enough. It doesn't include any info about her dad or his choking. But this news is encouraging, it's now like, the worst death ever, I'm sure we can build on this."
Humorists noted a similar problem in trying to relate the death back to Hutchence and masturbation. Amateur stand-up comedian Matt Megan remarked to us, "I just feel there is a pun to be made. Choking, choking the chicken, cocks, and cockroaches. Fuck! It's not coming! I'll call you later if I think of one."
- "Cockroach-eating competition man 'choked to death'". BBC, November 26, 2012