UnNews:Husband comes out as gay, wife not surprised
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Husband comes out as gay, wife not surprised
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, December 5, 2016, 00:41:UTC)(
15 February 2008
SACRAMENTO, California -- Anna Marie Will had always suspected her husband of being "a major pansy," but her worst fears were realized last week when her husband Jim came out of the closet and told her he was a homosexual. The couple had been married for ten years when Jim made this announcement. According to Anna, this is all just now starting to make sense.
"I always suspected he was a fag," the large, disgusting woman told our reporter. "For one, we've been married for ten years and never slept together since we got married. Not once. Not on our wedding night, not on Valentine's Day, not even on our tenth anniversary. I sorta knew he was gay all along. What else could explain it?" She then proceeded to eat the swiss roll she had been warming up under her ass.
Jim and Anna were married June 5th, 1997. They had been engaged for a very short time, as apparently their marriage was arranged by Anna's father. "That boy dun git 'imself drunk 'n knock up mah daughter! I knowed he's wus gonna do the right thang cuz I told 'im if 'e don', I'ma cum afta 'im wit mah scattershot!" Jim solemnly confirmed these details. "Yeah, me and my buddies just decided to go check out a different bar. I got pretty trashed, and to be honest, she looked kinda like a man. I dunno if it was the light, the alcohol, or something. But it was something. I woke up the next day in the passenger side seat of her daddy's truck and he's telling me all kinds of things and I'm freaking out. Next thing I know, I'm married. I figured I should just go with it and not ask any questions."
The news came as a shock to Jim's friends and family. "He finally came out?" Jim's very close friend, Vern, told our reporter. "Good for him! Do you think he'll stay married? Oooohh, I'm so excited!" While his family did not share Vern's enthusiasm, they also seemed proud of Jim's decision to be open about his orientation. "I hope this means he's finally free from that hag he's living with. Oh shit. You're not going to print that, are you?"