UnNews:Hurricane George sweeps across North America, barely hits anything
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Hurricane George sweeps across North America, barely hits anything
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 02:47:UTC)(
3 September 2007
|This news story is currently being recorded as an audio file by Philg88.|
|Sayeth Philg88: "Hold on... this one's mine!"|
Hurricane George, a massive Category-12 hurricane named after President George Bush, barreled across North America late last night. The storm however, like its namesake, turned out to be an enormous failure. It did not hit a single important thing, and after five hours of 200 mph winds, the only casualties were a terrorist, an illegal immigrant, and an aborted fetus called Hilary. Estimated damages are in the $5-10 range. The potential damage predicted before the storm would have been enough to bankrupt twelve small countries.
“It’s really quite incredible,” said Justin Case, a professional hurricanologist. “I’ve never seen anything like it.” When asked about a possible reason for the enormous storm’s failure to do any harm, he replied, “well, obviously, naming it after George Bush was a good idea. It seems the name’s become jinxed. Let’s hope Bush doesn’t start creating charities named after him!” Our reporter noticed that Justin Case seemed to think this was pretty funny.
The President, apparently unaware that the hurricane barely did anything, delivered a speech to the nation this morning. “America, this is not a laughing matter,” he began. “Hurricane George destroyed many cities and took many lives, but worst of all, it took the soul of America.” Meanwhile, news reports covering the hurricane played on a television behind Bush. “We took a bad beating and the recovery process is going to be worse," Bush continued, "but we will survive and we will prosper. Whatever doesn’t kill us, will only make us longer. Um, stronger.”
Following the hurricane the dictionary company Webster proposed that all future natural disasters be named after Bush. To differentiate between the different disasters, a volcano would be called a Flaming-Bush, an earthquake a Bush-Quake, a tidal wave a Crying-Bush, and so on. Likewise, suicide bombings would be called Bush-Bombs. However, reputable sources worry that the proposals might be taken too far and Bush eventually considered successful.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|