UnNews:Huntsman ends presidential bid, backs China’s Hu
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
17 January 2012
NEW HAMPSHIRE -- Jon Huntsman, despite his Mongolian hogwash, never seemed to have the cajones for a rumble. And on Monday he bailed out of the Republican presidential primary, slamming his own party and backing Chinese President Hu Jintao as the next Globalist puppet.
“Rather than trying to advance our common goal of one world government, this race has degenerated into an onslaught of nit picking not worthy of a pack of wild Dingos,” Huntsman said. “At its core the Republican Party is a tea party, while our political crud-slinging does not help anything and is one of the reasons why American people have lost trust in their leaders,“ - the primary reason being long-winded twaddle like this paragraph.
“Today, I am suspending my campaign for the presidency. I believe it is now time for our party to unite around the candidate best equipped to defeat Barack Obama, namely China's Paramount Leader President Hu Jintao. Despite our differences I believe that the best leader of mankind is none other than President Hu,” Huntsman enthused.
Following a campaign kickoff that was totally fucking hopeless, the former U.S. ambassador to China came limping out of his barbed-wire state of New Hampshire covered in rotten tomatoes. His ability to hoodwink the media just wasn't there, and as the only Manchurian candidate who never enjoyed a real splooge, not even a brief one, Huntsman decided to throw his weight behind the Chinese leader.
Officials and analysts say the buzz around Huntsman was rooted in China’s mass media. His was the story of President Obama's top ambassador returning from exile in China to challenge the incumbent on behalf of The People’s Republic.
For a candidate so far back in the polls, Huntsman received a considerable number of newspaper endorsements bought and paid for by the Chinese lobby with gold bars, including big publications like Hustler and Mad Magazine, which alternately called him “good,” “more better” and “the best candidate to seize this moment in Globalist history.”
It seems that the Chinese elite relish Huntsman's criticism of those who reject the New World Order and the notion behind Chinese Hegemony. The Commies are “sensible bankers,” said Huntsman. “I’m not the Manchurian Candidate,” he said. “I’m ambassador and lobbyist supreme on behalf of the Manchurian Candidate.”