UnNews:Hundreds watch public execution, great time had by all
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Hundreds watch public execution, great time had by all
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 30, 2016, 19:07:UTC)(
7 June 2007
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BACKHAIRISTAN PROVINCE, Pakistan -- It has happened to most of us at some point in our adult lives; a party gets out of hand, alcohol is consumed rapidly, people commit adultery. But while most of us manage flee the scene with a hangover and death-threats from angered spouses, four residents of Alamgudar (a Muslim village in Pakistan's tribal region) did not get so lucky (pun intended). In the wee hours of Sunday morning, the festivities were in full swing at Samir Am Duii's rural home. Cars were parked on the lawn, plastic red cups hung from tree branches, and the occupants of the house were hammered. A noise complaint filed by Hamra Dishesa, the nosy bitch that lives down the street, led police to the shocking discovery of homeowner Am Duii, two other men, a woman, a statue of Vishnu in high heels, and several freshly harvested vegetables, engaged in "unspeakable acts of adulterous behavior." All four human participants were arrested, stood trial that same evening, and were sentenced to death by the following morning. As news of the impending execution spread through the village, farmer/event coordinator Rashad Jinbali saw an opportunity.
"I saw a noticeable trend in these executions," Mr. Jinbali claims. "...everyone from the village gathers to watch, and once the deaths are confirmed, everyone talks and laughs; like a big family reunion for the whole community. So I thought to myself 'Rashad, if these public executions are already so much fun for everyone, why not use that energy to create an even BETTER punishment tradition?' And of course, that is exactly what we set out to do." Execution Dayz 2007 was born.
Jinbali, backed by local sponsors (most notably al Wimar Poultry Grocers), set up his entire festival in a very rapid fashion. Vendors, live entertainment, game booths and other activities were brought into the tiny Pakistani village within days of the execution's commencement. "It was tough coordinating all the personnel; between the face-painters, cotton candy salesmen and balloon artists, it really got down to the wire," Jinbali admits. "...but I think we pulled it off nicely." Indeed, not a frown could be found as villagers flooded the festival's entryway. The young, and the young at heart, enjoyed games like "Plunge the Spear into the Donkey," (a "Pin the Tail on the Donkey variant), "Smack-a-Jole" (Whack-a-Mole variation with all-Jewish moles, and hellfire encompassing the traditionally-used hammer), and "PRAISE ALLAH!" (not really a game -- more of a heavily-weighted command). In addition to these games, the "Cast the First Stone Simulator" allowed guests to get in on the fun of murder by pulling the lever on a mock hanging post ("The simulation is incredibly realistic.. you can actually feel the neck breaking! Its amazing!" claimed one festival patron). Food stands served up dish-after-dish of Pakistani delicacies, such as bull testicles and Infidel blood pudding. Live music was provided by 80's pop rockers Loverboy.
To ensure that none would miss the festival's main event, a large LCD display was hung above the main stage, visible from all sections of the fairgrounds. After a full day of quality fan, the 600+ villagers crowded around the main stage, eager to get a good view of the gallows. People hung from rafters; babies were placed on shoulders. The crowd roared as tribal elder Haji Pashal ushered the condemned to their respective nooses and read their sentences aloud. Cheering and screaming nearly drowned the sound system as the clock neared 9:00: the scheduled time of execution. As if it were New Year's Eve, the entire crowd counted down the seconds in unison, all leading to the public neutralization. As the bodies dropped, wriggled, and fell limp, Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend" played to the thunderously loud audience of village people.
"Its so wonderful to see a man like Rashad giving back to the community like this," says an elated Ati Ranmet, mother of four. "This is my son Mudi's first public execution, and I must say, with an event like this, I don't think he'll ever forget it. It is a fine example of the irreversible damage my people pride themselves upon."
- ↑ The only dramatic change in the American version of the game is the choice of Jews: while the original Pakistani version is populated by political figures, the American version features generic Jews, with a few famous Jews tossed in to excite hellfire-wielding players.
- ↑ The creators of the game admit that "Smack-a-Jole" is a poor name for their product. They defend the title by saying "Uh.. well.. it was the best we could do at the time, I guess.. And if we're such idiots, why didn't you change it for the American version?!"