UnNews:Hundreds of iPods Sold
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Hundreds of iPods Sold
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 14:55:UTC)(
16 April 2006
SILICON VALLEY, California -- Earlier today, during a surprise press conference, Apple Computer released its annual earnings report; this report includes quarterly earning breakdowns, product sales, and several other fiscal notes. According to the report, nearly 300 iPods have been sold since its initial release late in 2001. Not only does this enormous figure crush the companies earlier estimates, it also makes the iPod the most popular Mp3 player of all time.
While this news astonished most market analysists, Apple's announcement had a certain smugness to it, and those speaking only referred to the sales once or twice throughout the conference.
"You know, 300 is great and all, with any luck this we could nearly double this figure by the end of next year. We hope that new advertising campaigns, and a sleeker look will make the iPod more appealing to the nation's younger people," said Steve Jobs, CEO and co-founder of Apple Computer. He went on to reiterate the need for younger listeners, citing factors such as, "Gullibillity, and the need to spend vast amounts of money all at once."
While Apple probably wishes their day would never end, rival Microsoft does not share such high spirits. Today they announced that over 200 pink slips were to be handed out today at a New Jersey facility, and the bad news doesn't stop there. Microsoft also released their annual earning report, this time to much less enthusiastic crowd. Windows software sales were down by almost 10,000 units, leaving the units sold column at its lowest in 9 years: 34,876,500. A Microsoft spokesman admitted the companies recent downward slope, but vowed that next quarter's earnings would be as high as ever; a very lofty goal that is unlikely to be met.
Once again, it's Apple Computer that has taken charge, now only $4.3 billion behind Microsoft in yearly earnings. As the months progress, the world is likely to see many more advancements in Apple's technology, providing them with even more ways to make money. In twenty years, who knows, Apple may finally reach its goal. The chances are somewhat slim; it'll definitely take a lot of hard work, even more dumb luck, and possibly a few miracles. But, with today's announcements coming from both companies, there is definitely hope to be had.