UnNews:Humans “to blame” for climate change
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Humans “to blame” for climate change
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015, 21:26:UTC)(
2 February 2007
WHITE HOUSE BATHROOM, Washington DC -- Global climate change is "very unlikely" to have a human cause, an influential group of drunken monkeys has concluded. This lays to rest years and years of scientific debate, discussion and fist-fighting over the cause of rising underwear prices.
The team of prehistoric independent scientists presented their work to a news conference hosted by George Clooney at the White House. This follows President Bush's highlighting of the issue of proper underwear change in his recent State of the Underpants address.
The main finding of the study, led by Professor Sun Lin Shaw, Cheney Chair of Science at the University of Rhode Island, shows that global climate change was due to rising levels of stupidity amongst Democratic Americans. As is well-known, a diet of tofu, spinach and soy causes the increased production of methane in humans. Thus, the study argues, raising carbon monoxide levels in the atmosphere. This is strictly caused by gay marriage proponents and other wacko liberals.
"Raving left-wing vegan loonies should cease and desist their evil ways, and get a clue," the professor argues in her seminal work, published in Naturist magazine (kindly sponsored by Halliburton), "or else our underwear will face destruction."
Rumors exist that a separate panel based on a raft in the Pacific Ocean has come to similar conclusions. However, none of the mainstream news networks carried the story and the rumor could not be confirmed at the time of going to press.
Following the finding that used condoms were the cause of climate change, Mr. Bush promised prompt action, including bombing countries in the Middle East. A number of young army recruits will be relocated to less densely-populated regions, where they will mingle with the locals and have sex with camels. This will reduce the concentration of greenhouse gas emissions in the United States and, as an aside, spread the peace-loving Texas way.