UnNews:Human semen a form of ectoplasm
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Human semen a form of ectoplasm
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, October 1, 2016, 00:45:UTC)(
29 April 2007
BALTIMORE, Maryland - Research scientists at the world-famous Johns Hopkins University Medical Center have verified a belief that has been long held by spiritualists, confirming that human semen is a form of ectoplasm.
Once believed to be the nocturnal emissions of ghosts, ectoplasm, which was also known, among spiritualists and other misguided souls, as teleplasmic
mess mass, oozed from various orifices of visiting spirits, notably from the ghostly vaginas of female ghosts and from the urethra of male specters. In the case of the spirits of male homosexuals, ectoplasm was also said to leak, as it were, from what spiritualists referred to, euphemistically, as the ghosts’ “nether orifices.” Occasionally, ectoplasm also issued from the mouths of ghosts of both genders, and, among the more adventurous spirits, even from their ears.
Debunkers often claimed that ectoplasm was nothing but unbleached cheesecloth, which was available by the yard at local fabric stores everywhere. The material was used to fool the naïve and the ignorant, such critics contended. Its sudden appearance in a candlelit room during a séance lent a great deal of credibility to spiritualists’ claims that the ectoplasm proved the existence of the ghosts from whose orifices the mystical substance seeped, oozed, or, following orgies among the spirits of the dead (and, presumably, damned), gushed.
One of the more famous mediums of the nineteenth century, Phoebe Case, a New York City prostitute, described the substance as “warm, white, thick, and viscid.” Ectoplasm, she said, more bluntly, to her colleagues at the brothel, tasted salty “like spunk.” Case’s biographer, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, author of the Sherlock Holmes series of short stories and novels and a devout spiritualist, wrote, in An Improbable Spiritualist: The Story of Goodtime Girl Phoebe Case, “she often collected her clients’ semen in jars, and later in barrels, which were stored in warehouses in Brooklyn with overflow transported to New Jersey, and then passing it off as ectoplasm.”
It was this reference to Case’s alleged practice of pretending that her johns’ “fecundating fluid” was ectoplasm that inspired the Johns Hopkins University Medical Center scientists to conduct the research that has proven that human semen is ectoplasm.
The substance appeared regularly between Phoebe’s legs, and her common-law husband, Herbert Spencer, collected the stuff, sealing it in several quart canning jars, which he labeled “Vaginal Swab 1,” “Vaginal Swab 2,” and so forth. He willed his collection to Johns Hopkins University, which stored it in a refrigerated container for over 125 years. “Doubtless, it would be there still,” Dr. Uriah Heap, one of the researchers said, “had Doyle’s allusions to the vaginal swabs in reference to ectoplasm not piqued our scientific interest.”
A series of chemical and other tests were performed, including the foolproof sniff test, the results of which were complementary and which led to the same conclusion: human semen is actually ectoplasm.
“No wonder it was produced in the dark with such frequency during candlelit séances,” critics quipped.
- Lotta Lies "Ectoplasmic semen and other scientific findings we could live without". Instant News, 28 seconds ago