UnNews:Human rights group denounce sorcery killing in Papua New Guinea

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Human rights group denounce sorcery killing in Papua New Guinea

A newsstand that's brimming with issues

UnNews Logo Potato
Friday, March 23, 2018, 21:21:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

8 February 2013


a typical sorcerer

Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea -- Human rights groups across the world have denounced the recent sorcery-related killings in Papua New Guinea.

"This is 2013 for crying out loud, people should not be living in fear of black magic," said Pierre Amirault, a Canadian civil rights activist. "Serious charges of witchcraft is almost unknown in the western world. That is because we burned all our witches back in the Renaissance. However, Papua New Guinea is a very backward nation, and is still infected with witch-doctors other other practitioners of the magickal arts. I call upon the parliament of Papua New Guinea to suppress all forms of witchcraft."

Others groups were equally vocal in denouncing sorcery. "I have heard that conditions are so bad in Papua New Guinea that people need to resort to mob violence to stop sorcerers. Just a few days ago, a sorceress killed her own son, but the government of Papua New Guinea did nothing about it. If that sorceress wasn't killed by a mob yesterday, there are no telling how many people she might have killed with her dark incantations," said Leroy Byrde, a conservative activist. "In fact, Papua New Guinea's soft-on-wizardry policy almost makes me wonder if the government of Papua new Guinea is dabbling in the black arts, like how Francois Duvalier used voodoo to rule over Haiti."


Who seriously needs a black cat for anything?

However, Vice President Joe Biden asserted that killing wizards is not the answer. "Conservatives think that by executing sorcerers, black magic can be suppressed. While that is part of the solution, by itself, it is closing the barn door after the horse has escaped. The government of Papua New Guinea needs to take a pro-active approach to suppressing witchcraft. That is why the administration has proposed that Papua New Guinea ban black cats. If no-one has a black cat, that means no one can use an animal familiar to contact the daemons, which means no one can practice sorcery."

Biden continued, "I have no animosity to cats, in fact, I own a couple. However, the right to own a cat was created for the purpose of catching vermin and companionship. The Founding Fathers never intended for the right cat ownership to extend to the right to own a cat to summon familiar spirits. A brown, tabby, or orange cat will work just as good, if not better for every legitimate cat-owning use. In fact, I am not calling for a total black cat ban in Papua New Guinea, as some people may be emotionally attached to their cats. Rather, I am calling for a registry of all black cats as well as 5 day waiting period before buying a new black cat."

Garth Lefontaine, president of the National Feline Association, disagreed, "Black cats don't kill people with magical curses, people do. The liberals want you to believe that all supernatural murders involve black cats. In fact, owls, toads, and bats were used in almost 30% of sorcery based murders. In fact, scientific studies indicate the black cats actually decrease the amount of magic by killing other familiar animals, like toads and ravens. This is just a ploy by the liberals to take our cats away."

edit Sources

Personal tools