UnNews:Human flu outbreak infects 1,500 pigs
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Human flu outbreak infects 1,500 pigs
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 7, 2015, 16:34:UTC)(
6 May 2009
LONDON, UK- The tally for confirmed cases of pigs suffering from human flu has reached 1,509, if reports are to be believed. The pandemic scale of the disease means that just over a thousand a half of pigs around the world, from Mexico to Australia, have fallen ill. Dr. Waisturtyme, the lion taming expert of Oxford University, described the assault of the human flu on pigs.
"It is an unusual transformation" says Dr Waisturtyme, "the pigs first contract the disease from the influx of media attention, and then the flu strikes over the following few days. The swine begin to grow arms and legs, expelling the trotters, and then they to take a full blown human form".
The doctor paused for a moment to clean his spectacles, "then the humanised pigs grow clothes, along with a notepad and pen, and perhaps a camera along with a drab and boring personality, and they join the media foray".
There has been, so far, thirty confirmed deaths, but, as the doctor says, thirty new journalists, a kind of swine of the lowest order. Responding to accusations to the media blowing up the flu pandemic, despite so many other diseases claiming more lives each day, Mr. P.G. Tips the editor of popular broadsheet The Sun, had this to say:
"Well, I think that's ridiculous. Here at The Sun, we're still filling the paper up with the usual page 3 muck, and have done absolutely nothing to make the highly threatening nature of the deadly influenza pandemic a newsworthy item".
Mr. Tips was also accused reporting the more scary news items, and not the state of the poor, pink, twiggly tailed beasts with tiny brains, "rubbish, we talk about journalists all the time".
A plan for a vaccine for the disease has been put forward, being described as "the most revolutionary breakthrough since... Well, the outbreak", according to researchers at Cambridge University. The vaccine's effect was described as thus, by Dr. Lovestrange at the aforementioned univeristy:
"Well, quite simply, the whole world stops doing things that are absolutely worth being overblown and pumped for cash by journalists and the human influenza begins to die out". The vaccine is thought to be capable of reverting the humanised hogs back into their original oinking form.