UnNews:Human Vegetable Eaten By Carnivore
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Human Vegetable Eaten By Carnivore
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 21, 2017, 12:12:UTC)(
Fort Worth - There are no words that can describe the ungodly scene that unfolded at the Mother Teresa Mammorial Hospital this Monday morning. “I just pray for the family”, said head surgeon West Johnson, “I ain’t seen that much blood since I drunkenly rode over a half dozen igloos with my Hummer back in 64”. The hospital has rarely seen anything this gruesome.“This was the most bizarre incident I have witnessed this month”, added nurse’s aid Claire Smith, “Where the hell did that gator come from?”
At approximately 6:43 am on Monday morning, a 12 foot long gator somehow made it into Bert Scrotumson’s locked hospital room. Bert Scrotumson had been in a vegetative state for 22 years following a hilarious motorcycle accident. His parents have refused to disconnect Mr. Scrotumson from his life support apparatus with the hope that he would one day wake up and reveal were he had stashed away the 50 tons of peyote and porn he had bought the night before his accident.
Once fully in the room the gator proceeded to slowly and meticulously eat Mr. Scrotumson, starting from his toes and ending his awesome feast with the said man’s noggin. The whole incident took a mere 8 and a half hours.
There are many unanswered questions that the family of the victim wants answered. Primarily, how did a 12 foot gator get into the hospital unnoticed, and how did he manage to get all the way up to the 23rd floor of the hospital. “We’re looking into the incident. I believe that the gator must have planned this muthafucka like a sonafabitch”, declared head of security Johnny Fuck Jr.
According to Asian doctor Ji Phi Loob, Mr. Scrotumson suffered a-plenty. “He might have been in a vegetative state, but he still felt pain. How do I know this? I frequently banged this dude’s shins with a pipe and tears would come out of his eyes. T’aint a lie sucka!”
The gator was escorted out of the building.