UnNews:Hugo Chavez to come out with his own PC
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Hugo Chavez to come out with his own PC
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, October 24, 2016, 08:53:UTC)(
1 June 2007
MARACAS, Venezuela --Hugo Chavez announced today that he would be creating his own brand of PC called the ChavPC running ChavOS that would cost $100USD. Chavez claims that he wants to give them out as gifts to neighboring nations in South and Central America, as well as to far off Asia.
The ChavPC runs the Chavium 4 dual-core processor that runs at 1.666Ghz, and uses the Chaveon 9900 graphic processor unit, has 512M of RAM, an 80G SATA hard drive, a DVD-RW drive, keyboard, mouse, and Chavcom Ethernet adapter and Modem, and 15 inch LCD color screen. It is powered by a string that the user pulls for 10 minutes to get 30 minutes of power.
Chavez claims that he was able to afford to create such systems using money that he would have given to his people. Yet his people are rioting over him closing down some TV station, and so he canceled payments on their student loans for college, their health care benefits, food and clothing allowances, and other social programs that are now denied to the protesters. All the better to provide poor people in other nations with cheap PCs, in return for access to their national oil wells for Citgo.
Chavez claims that Microsoft and Apple are ripping off consumers, he called Steve Jobs a "Donkey" and called Bill Gates "Mr. Monopoly". He challenges them to come out with a $100USD PC like he has. Bill Gates claims that ChavOS is a pirated copy of Windows XP, and Steve Jobs claims that ChavOS steals the Aqua interface for Mac OSX, but Chavez claims ChavOS does not steal anything, but it is an original operating system designed by the finest form of socialism on the planet, found only in Venezuela.
Chavez continued, "Gates and Jobs stole all their ideas and early versions of the chips necessary from their original Venezuelan developers 'deep in the rainforest.'" "It's just one more anti-environment, capitalist-pig hostile action," Chavez said. Chavez demonstrated his anger with the Gates and Jobs by unveiling replica dummys of both men, which Chavez then gleefully proceeded to stab dozens of times after which he covered the dummys with actual human blood. Questions regarding the origin of the human blood remained unanswered. Chavez charged that Bill Gates and Steve Jobs "were insane" and had been behind RCTV criticizing Chavez and "were trying to overthrow" him from power, because he has been working on the ChavPC since 2002 to compete with them, and because he had developed new and improved Ken and Barbie dolls.
Meanwhile shares of Chavez' Citgo stock have skyrocketed, as he cut off some of the oil going to the USA, lowering supply and raising demand for oil and gas. When UnNews asked Hugo Chavez about all of his wealth and why he isn't sharing it with his people, he spoke from one of his bunkers "I do what is right for Venezuela, what good for me good for Venezuela. I am Venezuela. The protests be over soon, and then we clean streets and start selling more oil in the winter."
Meanwhile RCTV has moved to Youtube after Chavez shut the station down. They are broadcasting from nearby Columbia and uploading videos to the web site. The station manager was quoted as saying "The revolution won't be televised, but it will be shown on Youtube."