UnNews:Hugo Chavez moves to nationalise Venezuela goat farms
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Hugo Chavez moves to nationalise Venezuela goat farms
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 29, 2017, 09:16:UTC)(
6 March 2009
MARACAS, Venezuela -- Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has moved federal troops in to take over goat farms in the country. Mr Chavez accused some farmers of overcharging by refusing to produce goats for sexual purposes at prices set by the government.
He warned that some companies could be nationalised if they tried to interfere with supplies of the desirable hooved temptresses. Mr Chavez - who has nationalised large swathes of Venezuela's economy - did not say how long the government intervention would last.
Major goat herding operations in the country include the US-owned giant Cargill and Venezuela's main food company, Polar.
Last year, Venezuela seized control of plants and offices belonging to Mexican cement giant Cemex.
Chavez among many famous goat enthusiasts
Through their connections with Freemasonry, the Illuminati, and Scientology, such newsworthy notables as Rush Limbaugh and Dick "Dick" Cheney form a shadowy world of goat enthusiasm, mostly centered around goat blowing. Naturally, there is a split interest between shameless money grubbing and perverse animal sex among the US Republicans, whose investments in Cargill may evaporate.
Defending United States interests
Xe (formerly Blackwater Worldwide & Blackwater USA), which manages the Sabotage & Animal Sex for Cargill under contract, has moved its own shadow soldiers into position, ready to pounce at the first signs of profit losses due to Chavez's actions.
Middle Eastern involvement
Iranian figurehead Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has invested petrol dollars into South America's premier goat matchmaking service, Goat Club for Men, in a joint effort by both countries to prop up their sagging economies, as well as providing choice blowing goats for windbag world leaders and religious leaders. Prompted by recent advances in American air-to-goat missile technology, Ahmadinejad's stake has grown, as the perverts among Iranian Ayatollah's tire of their sex slaves and seek ever more fobidden, er... fruit.