UnNews:Huge tunnels found under America, Mole Man to blame
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Huge tunnels found under America, Mole Man to blame
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 17, 2017, 02:15:UTC)(
12 September 2013
NEWTOWN, Connecticut -- This morning at the suburban locality of Newtown, a colossal network of tunnels was uncovered by a local resident, Charles Wilson, as he was using his metal detector on the search for gold nuggets. The unexpected results of the tunnel were uncovered when Brooks began to dig through the rough soil, only to discover the peculiar man-made rooms. The authorities were notified about the situation and were under the suspicion that a wild "Mole Man" was on the loose.
"Uncovering bare ground is my profession", says Mr. Wilson, "It was just one of those 'out of the blue' type situations that made me discover these tunnels, ironically enough, I was asked by a friend about a week prior to this discovery weather I would ever fall into an underground tunnel during my long searches, but I said that the chances of that event ever taking place was near to minimal."
Shortly after the tunnels were uncovered, investigations were conducted on the site. Local police officers were sent into the tunnels to search, only to find that the tunnels were unimaginably humongous in overall size, exact dimensions remain unknown, but some estimate the tunnels to span over 100 kilometres (62 miles) in length.
During the investigations, the police had a rough idea of who was responsible for this 'crime'. A week prior to the discovery of the tunnels, a strange incident occurred through Newtown suburbs, raising suspicion amongst the community. An electrical fault spanning the whole of Newtown was witnessed, luckily, electric power was restored roughly 45 minutes later. The unnecessary tunnelling around the town is suspected to be the cause of last weeks black-out.
It wasn't long until the perpetrator was discovered about five streets away from the site of Mr. Wilson's residence. The culprit, David Bryant (aka "The Mole Man"), was apprehended shortly after police arrived out the front of his house. Bryant has been taken into custody, and remains under monitoring, until he stands his trial in early October.
When Bryant was questioned by authorities about the underground tunnelling, he replied with very delusional and confusing responses.
"I have been tunnelling for six years, it has been a very enjoyable hobby for me", Bryant claims "I started this tunnelling activity when God told me that a magical bottle of cyanide was buried under Newtown, the cyanide had been transplanted there by Nazi UFOs that were created after I had finished a large serving of macaroni and cheese, I was told that if I did not uncover the cyanide soon, the bottle would turn my blood into powder and I would succumb to my death." Bryant was later diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.
Residents of Newtown have been alerted to take precautions of the shallow ground underneath the town, due to the tunnelling, some of the terrain has become unstable and potentially dangerous, Christopher Nguyen reports.