UnNews:Huffing Rubber Cement
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Huffing Rubber Cement
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 00:48:UTC)(
25 June 2008
Boston, Texas - A little umm... kid... has been found dead after overdosing on rubber cement in his crib... UnNews has researched that--uhhhhhh... 98.2% of anybody who ever existed has been huffing rubber concre--CEMENT! Cement. It's crazy, but please... don't shoot the messengerist.
UnNews has been taking poles and survays--...oh, I apologize: POLLS AND SURVEYS on people who admittedly huffed rubber cement. We even had a detailed interview with this guy about his experience with huffing rubber cement:
UnNews: Have you huffed rubber cement?
This guy: Yeaaaaah...
This guy: Noooooo...
UnNews: Thank you. asdhhahahakldfj; alsjdf;lkasjfd;lkasjfd ;lasdjf;laks df thats dumb
edit How YOU can stop it
- Stop buying rubber cement (use semen for household repairs instead).
- Sell your kids for food.
- Huff kittens instead. The orange ones.
- That's...about it...
edit Okay, maybe I have done it once or twice
Umm...okay, hypothetical situation: A certain reporter from UnNews (not me, of course!), may have huffed some rubber cement before doing this very UnNews report... What consequences would this certain reporter have to... serve? Okay! You twisted my kidneys! It was me! You happy now?
edit So now that you know
PLEASE... for the the love of your mom, PLEASE! I beg of you... don't fucking kill me! So what if I'm actually not a reporter? So what if I'm best friends with the guy that killed your family and lost your pet ferret? It doesn't really matter! I'm only doing what... uhhhhhhhh-- EVERYBODY DOES. Don't kill me today...
edit I quit
Fine... you pricks got me. The glue-huffing scandal has now begun. Thanks a lot! Spank you for all the good times I've had at Un...Newslapedia... WHAT?!? You can't hire--FIRE ME! I'm only a human. To air is human, and fool me twice, shame on you. That's right! Burn in hell, Conservapedia!
...I can't feel my arms.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|