UnNews:Hubble telescope views Nowak trial
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Hubble telescope views Nowak trial
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 08:29 (UTC)
25 August 2007
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CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida -- NASA radioed commands to the satellite upon which the orbiting Hubble telescope is mounted, aiming the high-tech eye in the sky at Orlando, Florida, where one of its own, former astronut Lisa Nowak, is on trial for attempted kidnapping and grand theft auto.
Charges of attempted murder were dismissed, even before her trial began, because, prosecutors learned, the astronaut, who is alleged to have been stalking a rival for another astronut, with whom Nowak was having a sexual affair during her coffee breaks aboard NASA spacecraft, was armed only with seven dirty diapers.
She’d worn adult diapers so she would be able to travel non-stop for 900 miles in “hot pursuit” of her romantic rival, Colleen Shipman. “We wear Depends aboard the space station,” Nowak told detectives shortly after her apprehension. “I figured what’s good enough for NASA, is good enough for me.”
During the opening of her trial, Johnny Cockroach’s ghost, released from hell to defend the beleaguered astronut, accused the detective who arrested his client of “not knowing your asteroid from a hole in the ground.” (Cockroach was one of the “dream team” of high-priced attorneys who got O. J. Simpson off after he slayed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown.) More specifically, the attorney charged, the detective “couldn’t even pronounce ‘Miranda,’ and thought ‘Miranda rights’ referred to some women’s liberation fanatic named Miranda.”
During her career as a “NASA star,” her defense attorney said, “Nowak’s press release described her as enjoying reading, piano playing, gardening, gourmet cooking, rubber stamp collecting, crossword puzzle solving, running from police, kidnapping, and murder, but an interest in reading and stamp collecting doesn’t mean she was trying to kidnap somebody.”
Following her arrest, she was released on her own recognizance, provided that she agreed to wear an ankle bracelet with a built-in tracking device. However, a few days after she was fitted for the bracelet, she objected to the diamonds with which the gold band is encrusted, saying they “were only 10 karats each.”
Playboy magazine’s publisher emeritus, Hugh Hefner, has reportedly offered Nowak “a convincing argument” for posing nude, wearing only her gold-and-diamond ankle bracelet, but she said, “I would, but I don’t want to be naked or annoy Satan.”
The Hubble telescope relays transmissions of images it records to NASA’s flight control center at Cape Canaveral, showing her bathing, using the commode, and flipping off a framed, full-color photograph of her romantic rival.
“She’s certainly a heavenly body,” said her one-time lover, William Oefelein.
As a result of the Nowak debacle, NASA is returning to same-sex unions aboard spaceships, satellites, and space stations.