UnNews:Howard Dean intends to campaign on Jupiter
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Howard Dean intends to campaign on Jupiter
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 30, 2015, 09:29:UTC)(
26 August 2006
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"We're going to go to Jupiter, we're gonna' go to Uranus, we're gonna' go to Mars, we're gonna' go to the moon, and we're gonna' come back to Earth, and take back the White House," stated Dean, "Byaaaaaaaaah!"
Despite heavy criticism from Republicans, who claim that it's impossible for Democrats to campaign off the planet, or even out of the country, considering only people in the United States can vote, Dean has remained adamant about his campaign.
"We're going to go to Galaxy AM 0644-741, we're gonna' go to Galaxy Abell 1835 IR1916, we're gonna' go to Galaxy HVC 127-41-330, and we're gonna come back to the Milky Way, and take back the White House! Byaaaaaaah!" 
In recent weeks, Dean's promises have gotten broader and more unlikely. Not only can NASA not even send people to Mars yet, but some of the galaxies Dean mentions are yet to be discovered, suggesting that he may have been under the influence of cocaine or kittens during these speeches.
NASA spokesman, Thomas York, stated, "Galaxy Abell 1835 IR1916 is 13.2 billion light years (4.04 Gpc) away from the Earth (z=10), the farthest galaxy ever discovered. If Mr. Dean thinks he can make it there by 2008, by all means, we encourage him to try."
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