UnNews:Howard Dean's epic campaign for presidency shocks US
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Howard Dean's epic campaign for presidency shocks US
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, October 1, 2016, 07:04:UTC)(
15 April 2007
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IN HIS OWN MIND, Howard Dean, Des Moines, Iowa -- During a Democratic Party conference in West Des Moines, Iowa, Howard Dean announced his new campaign for presidency. It had been some three years since Dean lost to his opponent John Kerry in the 2004 Iowa Democratic caucuses, and most at the conference were surprised by Dean's return as a presidential candidate.
"Tonight, we're going to Washington D.C. to take back the White House!" exhorted Dean, following the announcement of his new name "Howard Nydus".
While many were astonished and left speechless by his peculiar statement, a blonde-haired, female audience was seen criticizing Dean, mmm... Nydus, saying, "This is insane! The next presidential election isn't gonna be on until 2008!"
In return, it was witnessed that Dean, mmm... Nydus, stared at his critic with contempt and responded as follows, with a microphone stand pointing at her:
"See... Rumor has it that three of your sponsors have pulled their ads off your website, and if even those lousy ISPs and... Ha! Loan sharks find you and your slurs ridiculous... Pfft! You brought your damn books to my doorsteps, you insulted John Edwards, and you sullied my people with your inane talks. I have chosen my words carefully. Maybe you should have done the same. Insane? Thissss isss Howwwwarrrdddd!!!"
Reportedly, Dean dealt his critic with a violent kick shortly thereafter, sending her off of the 4-story building where the conference was held and leaving her dead on the ground outside the main door. (Note: John Edwards was also seen giving Dean a nod of approval right before the alleged murder). Now besides the possible murder charges (although there will unlikely be any), Dean must also face the the negative consequences caused by the same psychotic, unpresidential behavior that he once displayed in a 2004 Democratic caucus campaign rally.
Despite his unpopularity, Dean is rather confident in a total victory. "And all we know that 300 votes will secure my way to presidency!"