UnNews:How to prepare for Black Friday
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How to prepare for Black Friday
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 24, 2016, 01:08:UTC)(
25 November 2010
Domino City, Japan --
Its that time of year again, a threat to civillization as we know it, Black Friday is soon approaching and you know what that means. Widespread fear, crime, and worst of all, hip-hop music. For those you ignorant ass holes who do not know what black friday is, here is a simple explanation and brief history.
It all began in 1985, back when the black population was begining to gain popularity (such as Prince, Rick James, and Lionel Ritchie). Many of these pop icons felt that the black community was unfairly treated by the whites, and these "celebrities" would bitch about it on the news and talk shows and what have you, when a black man known as Gnigah Toosdey organized a coalition of angry black celebrities to raid the streets and commit as many crimes as possible, the set day to attack was on the Tuesday before thanks giving, but Gnigah Toosdey had diarieah that day and the next, so it was postponed to Friday on the rashanal that they all wanted to eat some itis inducing food. So the next day came and the black celebrities raided the streets and terrorized the whites, this all accured in Beverly Hills and many ritch white people died, it was a day of celebration for black people everywhere. Ever since the attack in beverly hills, black people everywhere in every city of america has replicated this act every year in retaliation to the white man.
Now, fear not, for hear are some helpful tips on how to survive black friday with all of your assets unharmed. Your first act of preperation should consist of boarding up your house and installing excessive amounts of dead bolt locks to every door on and inside the house. The next thing you need to do is put all vehicles in the garage and to turn all valuable out-door-objects to valuable in-door-objects, in otherwords (since your a moron), bring your shit inside. The third thing you need to do is to withdrawl all your money from the bank, because it will get robbed, and to conceal it in your underground money bunker. The fourth thing you need to do is stalk your cellar full of non-perishable food items, but most prefferably nothing that black people like to eat, cause they can smell it from miles away. The fifth and final thing you need to do is get yourself and whom ever you live with inside the cellar, remember to bring your bible and book of mormon with you so you can read them and assure your spot in heaven in the un(likely) event of your death.