UnNews:How to bury a Satanist?
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
How to bury a Satanist?
We distort, you deride
Monday, August 29, 2016, 14:49:UTC)(
5 June 2011
ATLANTA, Georgia -- You’ll probably hear AC/DC’s "Hell’s Bells" at a Satanist's funeral, but you just might hear the parody-tune "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin, or “Eight Miles Deep” by the Byrds. A researcher from Concordia University recently published an article about some Satanists exploring what they think about death and funerals.
According to Satanists they are NOT filthy atheists. An atheist is a faithless bastard. They opine that even a religious person has some kind of faith, and is thus better than an atheist. Satanists think that nothing is lower than an atheist who believes in nothing.
Members in the Church of Satan are traced back to the Devil who in 1966 founded the church of Uncle Levy in San Francisco. He is also the main proponent of the canon for the group, The Satanic Verses, composed by Salman Rushdie.
One of the main tenets of the faith is theism. Not belief in God, but in the devil or Satan. Satanists believe Satan is an invention of God, and God is an invention of man (and women), therefore worshipers think that they created Satan as their grandchild, and they treat Satan as their own.
According to La Luna Halt of the official website of the Church of Satan: "We Satanists are creators of our own 'son of a gun,' who is a bad guy, and as followers of a belligerent 'deity' we offer hate to those who deserve it and deliver our wrath (within reasonable limits) upon those who seek to cause us—or that which we cherish—any good."
Halt writes that even though the Church of Satan does not believe in a physical afterlife here, their doctrine speaks to practitioners of living on in this world through the memories of others who truly hate their guts.
"By exhibiting mastery in their evil ways, individuals increase the likelihood of more people hating them after death. Take Hitler, for example, he is virtually immortal. Satanists, like Stalinists, are literally creating their own afterlife by living within the hatred of those they have offended."
The communications between Satan and the Satanists stretched over eternity (since 1966, anyway). Halt said she deliberately left out identifying details, like the cosmological location of hell, while hinting that it just might exist below the Gulf of Mexico.
The call of impiety seems to have helped the Satanists to open up about their funeral rites. In particular is the practice by Satanists of burying their dead 60 feet deep instead of six feet.