UnNews:Housing Crunch Claims Life

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Housing Crunch Claims Life

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Saturday, March 24, 2018, 01:49:59 (UTC)

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15 August 2008


Empty Lot 2

"Not much to go on..."

An East Cleveland man was killed early yesterday morning when his house suddenly imploded as he was making breakfast. “We think it was the weight of its sub-prime mortgage” stated Fire Chief Dan Ericsson, “It just gave out”.

“It was like that scene in Poltergeist” said Amir Subramayan, a neighbor. “You know the scene, where the house crumbles up into the light at the end and disappears? It was awesome! Er, I mean sad – very sad.”

The man, Joseph Barnes, 47, was the only one in the house at the time. “Our home had been under tremendous burden for the past three years offered his distressed wife Mary, 35, who was not home at the time. “I guess the house just couldn’t support it any longer.” Several houses in the area have suffered from mortgage implosion, but this was the first one recorded as fatal. At a recent press conference, Mayor Frank Jackson addressed the potential for such an occurrence.

“Look, we are doing everything we can, but frankly, we’re stretched thin” he admitted. “We can only hope, for now, that this doesn’t turn fatal”. However, the city’s second worst nightmare came true only a week later (The first was realized when they discovered they were the “Cleveland” everyone had been talking about).

“We’ll continue to investigate” offered Chief Ericsson, “but, as you can see, there’s not much to go on.”

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
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