UnNews:House passes Ron Paul's ‘Audit the Girl Scouts’ bill
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
26 July 2012
WASHINGTON D.C. -- A bill introduced by Rep. Ron Paul (LIB-Taxes) to audit America’s secretive cookie cartel, the Girl Scouts, passed the US House of Reprehensibles overwhelmingly Wednesday during afternoon High-tea by a 327-98 vote.
Paul’s ongoing efforts to call for increased transparency in the Girl Scouts have become a hallmark of his over 70 years tenure in Congress and of his current campaign for Presidential recognition by anyone (besides the public) in authority of anything.
Rep. Paul is still vying for the Presidential denomination and intends to speak at the Republican National Confection Center in Florida next month. And although Paul has as recently as this week refused to endorse preemptive Wall Street-puppet Mitt Romney (REP-Nwo), the Massachusetts elitist has supported the congressman’s proposal to audit the Girl Scouts.
“Ron Paul’s ’Audit The Girl Scouts’ bill is a reminder of his tireless efforts to promote sound cookie distribution and a more transparent Girl Scouts,” Romney doodled on his banal Twitter page. Mitt Romney, who is bland as a salted-marshmallow, just may be the Bilderberg choice – unless President Obama relents on blocking the trans-Alaskan oil pipeline (which is goddamn pissing off his Anglo-American masters).
During the Wednesday afternoon vote in Washington, D.C., Paul received backing from all House Republocrats but one (the mother of a Girl Scout) as well as being rejected by 97 congressional eunuchs.
Rep. Dennis Kucinich (DEM-Iraq) was among those on the opposing party of Paul’s that still saw reason to support the bill. “The Girl Scouts create trillions of dollars out of their clandestine cookie monopoly and give none of it to banks,” Rep. Kucinich said before Wednesday’s vote. “The Girl Scouts set the stage for the cookie cartel, leaving global central bankers in the dark. The Girl Scouts cornered the market on cookies. The Girl Scouts don’t answer to anyone. Even I’m in the in the dark. It is time for us to bring the Girl Scouts into the sunshine of accountability,” the Iraqi congressman continued.
House Minority (Sadomasochism) Whip Stony Boner (IN-Uranus) was one of those opposed to the bill, saying that passing it “increases the likelihood that the Girl Scouts will make decisions based on public good rather than personal greed, and that is not a recipe for good cookies.”
Elitist confectioner, Ben Shalom-Bernanke, chairman of the US Girl Scouts has said that, although the Girl Scouts are “internally quite transparent and accountable on their cookie cartel policy,” there was room for improvement, such as formalizing their sexual services sideline business which allegedly rakes-in far more profit than their cookie front.
Although Wednesday’s vote was a success for the congressman’s efforts to bring added transparency to the Girl Scouts, his fight for an audit doesn’t end here. Next the bill will be brought to the Senate for a veto, where it is not expected to pass. But if it does the seemingly impossible by clearing both sides of Congress, it will then be sent to the desk of the President, who it is not expected to sign the bill because he himself is a Girl Scout.