UnNews:Hostages taken, Mickey Mouse refuses to negotiate
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Hostages taken, Mickey Mouse refuses to negotiate
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 20, 2017, 08:43:UTC)(
21 September 2008
ORLANDO, Florida - Late last night popular children's icon, Michael "Mickey" John Mouse announced, via his safe-house window in downtown Orlando, that he had taken 16 children hostage and is not willing to negotiate. He claims that he has been pushed to the edge of insanity, and just wants to give the world a taste of its own medicine for all of the "kicks in the crotch" he has received from "Those snotty-nosed bastards" over the years.
Florida officials had the safe-house surrounded as of 11:30 PM last night and are trying to reason with Mickey, to no avail. Mickey has remained relentless in his initial stance on no negotiations. At 12:30 AM this morning Mr. Mouse declared that he would be executing 1 child every hour until his demands are met, but as of 30 minutes later, he has yet to announce what his demands are.
Mr. Mouse has released the names of all the children that he has taken hostage and demand that their parents be contacted if they are not already there, and brutally kicked in the balls, although he has not said anything about releasing the children if it is done. Mr. Mouse has made several announcements about the 16 children, and the 3 reporters that had made their way up to the floor he was on, only to be taken hostage themselves, and as per the way Mr. Mouse is, brutally kicked in the balls themselves.
Loud moans have been emitted from the room over the last two hours and are expected to be the brutal kicks in the crotch that Mr. Mouse has been delivering to the children in the room. Following the moans we could hear Mr. Mouse yelling "Yeah you bastards! How do you like it, damnit?!" As of 1 AM on September 21st, 2008 the police have still been unable to apprehend Mr. Mouse, or find out what his motives are. Whatever they may be, we reporters who have not entered the building hope, as well as all of Orlando, that they are able to find out what the demands are, because in 30 minutes, one of the Children will die, if Mr. Mouse carries out his plans.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|